Thursday, September 28, 2006

Off for the Sweet Hereafter

A fellow I knew slightly, died yeterday. He used to run various cafeterias around town and was a very "hands on" manager, so I would talk to him infrequently. Mostly about food items.

Anyway, the guy wrote his own obituary. This pleased me. I think everyone should write their own obituary, I have gone through several drafts of mine. The problem is that you have to keep a current obit or the information may you provide may be of events and people you no longer care about. Then there is the problem of the blank you must lead describing what you died of. My obits are funny, but no humor can overcome my wife filling in the "died of" blank with "three gunshot wounds to the chest" or "loss of blood caused by the attack of his pit bull".

My obits all end the same way, with a quote from Mark Twain who at the end of the description of where services would be held always felt it best to include "do not bring your dog". Twain also once said of some person, that he was was "as out of place as a Presbetyrian in Hell" which brings me to the real reason I am writing this piece.

The aforementioned fellow who just passed on, stated in his obituary that he was going to heaven. Now, I like a man with confidence, but I don't think I'd put that statement in my obit, there's no sense tempting fate. Anyway, I could forgive him that, but he went on to say that he was sorry that he would not see many of us there. Again, he may be right on the mark as far as my eternal dwelling is concerned, but did he really have to say it ? I know the excuse, he is an Evangelical Christian aand wants me and all others, to know that we'd better have accepted Jesus Christ as our personal savior, or start making plans to do it pronto, if we did not want to end up like a stanza from a John Milton poem

It is upsetting to me that people think that a merciful God is going to send more than four and a half BILLION people to Hell for not accepting Jesus. I doubt the place has that much room, especially when you add on those that are already writhing in the Everlasting Lake of Fire. It is a scary thought though. I keep a tract that was handed to me on the street a few years ago. It is like a mini comic book and is about this hipster-dufus who dies "unsaved". The climatic moment has the dufus meeting a giant Jesus sitting on a throne, floating in the air. He asks Jesus if he can go to heaven. Jesus replies, "No and it breaks my heart that you will be suffering in hell for all of eternity when you could have accepted me..." at that point Jesus goes on to list specific dates where then dufus was given a chance to repent and did not.

I don't know how much effect these tracts have on people. It is safe to say that no one knows for sure what happens to you after you die. For political reasons, religion has spent a lot of time dwelling on the world to come as a better place than this one. And maybe it will be. I would like to see every person who has been mistreated or lived a hard life to get some comfort at the end of the day. And it has always seemed to me that God would want that for his people, no matter what religion they might be . So my obituary will be a little different than my friend's. Just like the old song, it will say,

"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when
but I know we'll meet again some sunny day.
Keep smiling through just like you always do,
till the blue skies blow the dark clouds far away.

And won't you please say hello to the folks that I know
and tell'em I won't be long.
And they'll be happy I know
that when you saw me go,
I was singing this song.

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when,
but I know we'll meet again some sunny day.

Do not bring your dog.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The new prohibition

Mills of the gods

New York City, following its ban on restaraunt smoking, is now seeking to ban trans fats from all dining establishments in the city. All of us know that trans fats are bad for us, but few of us really focus on what they are. That is because they get mixed up in all of the other mish mash of health food and exercise terms that many of we more sedentary types try to tune out of our day to day conversations. I do hear people talk about trans fats. My wife seems to know something about them and, I assume if I am eating too many of them she would stop me.

If I understood the article I read this morning, trans fats are artificial fats that are used in cooking and seem to reach an especially virulent form in frying (which by the way will be the next thing New York City bans). I am reliably informed that trans fats make up some, if not all, of Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonalds French Fries. Now I don't eat either of those two things very often, but I will say that I find them quite tasty when I do.

The New York Bureaucrats say that substitutes for trans fats that are healthier and "taste just as good or better" are readily available. There are two, and only two possible reponses to this assertion. One, that it is true and trans fats are a lot cheaper than their substitutes, meaning that fast food costs will go up if they are removed, or, Two, that the New York health official is lying and that fast food companies have tried different ingredients to sell their products and have determined that trans fats are an essential "herb and spice" to make KFC tase good. Believe me, unless it saved money or improved taste, trans fats would not be in anything. That's how America works. China too, which you would know if you ever had an MSG headache.

Either way, the American consumer is about to enter the danger zone. Because when trans fats are outlawed, only outlaws will have trans fats. Do you honestly believe that this country will give up good fries ? what you will see is people making fried chicken and fries in their homes (bathtub fries) and illegally selling them out on the street and in the schools. "Hey kid, come her, I got the good stuff, legs and thighs, pure trans..." Do you really wan to see law abiding citizens and children transformend into criminals because they want to eat a perfectly legal substance. Do you want to see KFC Speakeasies opening up in every basement and backroom. Do you want to see the return of Al Capone type gangs, cornering the french fry market and fighting each other for Fried Fish territory ? And all for nothing, trans fats don't kill people, fry cooks kill people.

Well I say we stand up to this. do not let it happen. Write your health officials and tell them that you still have rights in this country. They will get my trans fat french fry when they pry my cold dead, ketchup soaked, finger off of it !

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

To the Dogs

Mills of the gods

The Mobile, Alabama Greyhound racetrack is embroiled in a doping scandal. Dog Racing (the "Sport of Kings", after bowling) has a long and proud tradition of being the most honest of all sports. Try as they might, underworld thugs have never been able to bribe a dog to "take a fall". Now comes the news that dogs in Mobile are being doped to keep them from running fast. So far, the only evidence is tapes of the races "You can just tell" said the Track Director. If this means that dogs were stumbling around like they were drunk, I would like to see the tape. If it means that they stopped racing and started sniffing each other's behinds, that sounds interesting also. So far, no physical evidence has been released.

I first attended a dog race with my friend Gaston Broyles in the spring of 1986 in Florida. It was there that I first discovered that dog tracks are frequented by a little rougher crowd that most other sports. There was a guy in front of me in the betting line with an open head injury. I'm not kidding. The guy's head was wrapped up like a mummy. he could barely walk, he could barely talk, but they took his $10 bet. And this was not the worst looking guy we saw out there. In fact, in the bell shaped curve of dog betters, he was about a c-. How dog racing survives, I'll never know. Well actually, I can guess. The fact that this particular track was in Alabama probably gives you a hint. Note that the track is not in Huntsville among all of the NASA scientists out there.

Dog racing, as far as animal cruelty goes, is actually a notch up from cock fights and bearbaiting, but it is still not going to win any PETA awards. Traditionally the greyhounds were "blooded" when trained, that is, known to run down and eat rabbits. The dogs are also too skittish to be perfectly reliable pets after their racing days are done and so thousands have been destroyed over the years. There are now programs to adopt the greyhounds, but most of them are adopted by dog race fans and so either starve to death or get run over while taking a nap under a pick up truck.So for the dog, adoption is no great deliverance.

I believe that the country will not respond to this doping scandal in quite the same way it has to say, the baseball steroids scandal. That is because no dog was trying to use drugs to enhance it's performance (and no greyhound owner would be smart enough to think of that). No, this is right out of a 1930s W.C. Fields movie where a couple of guys sneak into the kennels and slip the dogs a "mickey". There is not much art to this type of doping and apparently it is quite easy to detect, even by dog racing afficiandos. Perhaps even ones with open head injuries..

Monday, September 25, 2006

Mills of the gods

A New Mouth

I went in for my semi-annual teeth cleaning, only four months late, today. I must have needed it pretty badly because afterwards I was shocked to see all of those gaps between my teeth. I suppose no one likes the dentist. Even when it does not hurt, it is still boring and uncomfortable. It does give you a lot of time to think though and I thought I'd share some of the thoughts that went trhough my head while a fellow human being took a very sharp object and scraped it along my teeth for half an hour.

1. let's see, if she cleans six people a day, that's fiften hours a week she spends with her hands in someone else's mouth. That works out to about 750 hours for an average year and 22500 hours over a thirty year career. Hmmm, that means that she spends probably three years of 24 hour days over her entire life with her hands in other people's mouths.

2. Wonder what set that Clinton off yesterday ? Wonder how close he came to punching that smirk off of Chris Wallace's face ?

3. So this woman killed her best friend, and cut the seven month fetus from her stomach and then killed her friend's other three children, leaving them in a washer/dryer to slowly decompose. Wonder if she will use an insanity defense ?

4. If they can make this teeth polish stuff taste like chocolate, why can't they make it taste like Bourbon ?

5.What am I going to do with my late nights now that Letterman's Ventriloquist week is over ?

6. Most of the time spent removing things from our bodies over the course of our lives involves our teeth and hair.

7. I wonder if that Pope would get better press if he did not "summer" at "Castle Gandolfo" ? Sounds like something out of the Lord of the Rings.

8.Why does my dental hygenist listen to Sammy & Bob ? this is like listening to a couple of drunk baboons . If she is trying to torture me why doesn't she just put on tapes of fingernails on chalk boards and make me listen to that through a head set ?

9. Oh yeah, I guess we spend most of the time removing things from our body on finger and toe nails, I forgot about those.

10. Maybe I should count blowing my nose as removing things also ? Wonder how much time I spend blowing my nose each year ?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Vampire Teeth

Mills of the gods

As I continue with my hum drum litigation practice here in Austin, New York lawyers continue to have all the fun. Sanford Rubenstein has filed suit against a New York cabbie, some New York Policemen, and the City of New York for the roughing up of his client, Stephanie Adams, Playboy's Miss November, 1992.

According to a New York Taxi & Limousine investigator (talk about your full time jobs) the rukus started over an argument about a $9.00 fair. The cabbie, a Mr Eric Darko alleges that Adams flashed her "Vampire teeth at him and threatened to shoot him". Darko, who is very quotable has said, "She thinks she's got a case but I didn't do nothing." He allegedly called 911 to report the incident. New York's finest sent over several officers who the former Playmate says, guns drawn, "threw her to the ground" and searched her purse, finally letting her go without an apology. All of this causing the usual "great pain, distress, mental shock and psychological trauma." We've all been there Stephanie.

Darko, who allegedly pushed a door into her as she tried to get out of the cab maintains "I didn't start anything with her.".Despite holding a news conference to announce the lawsuit, Ms. Adfams is quoted only as saying that it "was a nightmare" which is pretty pedestrian if she plans on getting the real money from this claim.

I was unable to find any story in the Daily News (my personal paper of record) about this major piece of litigation, but it turns out that Ms. Adams has her own blog where, for some reason, she does not seem to have mentioned the incident. She does howevrr, have an interesting essay on supporting American military with several pictures of her wearing her uncles West Point uniform top (circa 1965) where most of the buttons are undone. She asks for comments on her essay, as well as comments on how you think she looks in the West Point gray.

Interestingly, Stephanie's blog also contains a moving tribute from last February, made to the very Police Department she is now "involved" with. As she said to them in this open letter earlier this year. "You're the inner force that guides our travels and secures our domains." and "If we lived our lives through your eyes, we would all be better people". I am not quite sure what that last quote means, but it sounds very positive.

But as Stephanie says, "sometimes the toughest wars are not fought overseas." and New York's finest will; get a chance to see if that's true as they face off with Miss November in state Suopreme Court, Manhattan District.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Keeping your mouth shut

Mills of the gods

Everyone should just shut up. Anything said or done in the world gets picked up by a 24 hour cable channel and upsets about a billion people before the next day. You think maybe the Pope will watch his mouth for awhile ? One little implication that maybe the Muslims have used violence in the past in advancing the cause of their religion and suddenly half a dozen churches are burned and a nun is shot in the back. If the Pope has any kind of feelings I am sure that he will fast track that nun on up to sainthood. But if he'd taken the time to think before he spoke, none of this would have happened.

That does not excuse the violence. Do you think that perhaps there is just no such thing as irony in the Arab world ? That they don't see the irony when they respond to a charge of violence by fire bombing and shooting ? Do we have to send a freshman English teacher over there to help them understand the whole concept of irony ?

As my friend Gary Marfin explained to me years ago, "tolerance has never been the hallmark of a great religion."You don't get control over a billion souls by being a nice guy. You have got to break eggs to make an omlet and a few heads to enforce a creed. We have now had one thousand years of crusades, colonialism, wars and terrorist attacks on the part of three monotheistic religions. The fact that Yaweh started life as a Hebrew war god should never be underestimated in all of this. All three monotheistic religions still treat God as if he/she never grew up a little and got out of the war god business.

Of course the President poured salt in the wounds at the U.N. yesterday. What must other people think when they hear him speak ? He has given us such a great image world wide. Who writes his stuff ? Why can't he keep his mouth shut ?

The idea of the U.N. being a great place for debate, to air out world differences is a fraud. It is nothing but a propoganda tool for anyone who can control the machinary.And we have a large part in that failure. But we could be 100% better off if we would all just learn to keep our mouth's shut.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A good source of iron

Mills of the gods

As David Letterman said last night, it is a good time to challange Popeye to a fight. In my worry over aviary influenaz I never had time to get concerned about an e-coli breakout in the nation's spinach. I was please to see that the current suspect in this 21 state plauge is an outfit called "Natural Selection". It is my furthere hope, of course, that the culprit divisionin that company turns out to be the one that sells organic vegetables.

Unlike many peple, I like spinach. My mother always fixed it for us, growing up, from the can. My father liberally doused it with vinegar to take away any true spinach taste. Spinach at the Porter dinner table was a lot like eating slimey threads of vinegar. But it tasted pretty good.

The American public,of course, could not leave well enough alone and for about the past 30 years, fresh vegetables, including spinach, have been more popular, I can't even recall how many years it has been since I had canned spinach. This e-coli outbreak is directly caused by our nation's obsession with fresh vegetables and health food. When I was a boy, you got e-coli the old fashioned way. From an undercooked hamburger. Because there were no large fast food chains, the outbreaks were limited. Now, e-coli gets distributed across the country in the time it takes a truck to travel I-10 from California to where ever. So we can actuallty also say that this outbreak would be impossible without the interstate highway system. I am glad to blame that too. I hate the interstate highway system, where you can go from one end of the country to another and not see anything. I don't recall any e-coli outbreaks on old Route 66.

The thing to wonder is how long it will take the spinach industry to recover from all of this ? Spinach, with our without vinegar, has never been the beloved food of childhood. Associating it with drastic kidney failure and death can hardly fail to negativley imprint the young mind for a good many years, perhaps forever. Spinach could well become a "forgotten" or "lost" vegetable in the twenty first century.Much like parsnips were in the second half of the twentieth century. Imagine with me, if you will, a world without spinach. How would it effect your life ? Really not that much. There are lots of other greens. I was never a big fan of the Spinach salad (who thought of putting apples and bacon in it?). There are many ways to get iron. I think we can do without it. Now it might be a bit tougher for Popeye.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The death next door

Mills of the gods

There were all kinds of things I was planning to write about today.Then I got to work to find an e-mail that a former law partner, a guy that practiced in the office next to mine for awhile, had passed away Sunday. He was younger than I am and left behind a wife and two young children.Death follows us around like an big unshakable black dog. Every time you think you have lost him, you look behind and there he is again. As you age he gets closer and closer and he now seems to never be out of my sight. I am not so worried about him catching me, although that will happen soon enough, but this constant loss of people you know, each a mini death to ones self in its own in way, is a dark discouragement. Age is not simply a slow decay, it is a persistent withering away of people that are close to you. The irony of life is that the winner in the longevity race is often left utterly alone. Except for the large black dog at your heel. I used to think that one of the keys to happiness was keeping that large black dog at your heel and outside of your mind. If you focus too much on the inevitability that either you will die soon, or after all of your friends have left you, it makes life seem just a little bit futile. It makeds our daily work seem incredibly trivial.But of late I have been thinking that maybe that part of it is not all bad.Maybe what we waste our time doing on this earth is far too trivial and sometimes the very closeness and persistence of the big black dog calls that to our attention. If the death of another helps us to more enjoy the time we have here, then it does have some value. If it helps us turn to that dog and pet it, throw him a stick to retrieve and get used to him as a companion that is simply guiding you home, then it is not in vain.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Killer Grannies

Mills of the gods

I like to think I am pretty well informed. How I missed the killer grannies insurance fraud out in L.A. I will never know. I only discovered it yesterday when the attorney for sister in law murder suspects Helen Golay (75) and Olga Rutterscmidt (73) was turned down on his motion to (among other things) allow the ladies to sleep until 7:00 and pluck their eye brows before court appearances. I could have told the lawyer what any Judge would do with a motion like that and saved the fellow a lot of time.

It seems that Helen and Olga have been befriending homeless men and then getting them to take out life insurance policies with, you guessed it, Helen and Olga as the benficiaries.Why these homeless suckers fell for this scam perpetrated by two women with apparently abnormally thick eye brows is beyond me. All it cost them was their lives ,as Helen and Olga proceeded to then run them over in back alleys (two years after the application) and collect the proceeds. They were owed over Two million when the authorities got suspicious.Now they are in jail awaiting trial and growing their eyebrows back.

What this does ,of course, is calls for a remake and update of "Arsnic and Old Lace",set in L.A. this time with the two sweet sisters mowing homeless men down in alleys instead of poisoning them with elderberry wine.I can see Mr. Tom Hanks in the Cary Grant role (Mortimer), running around the house like a mad man when he finds the dead bodies in the cellar.

You begin to wonder about the Insurance Industry as a whole when you think of these applications sailing through underwriting. What is the life expectancy of a homeless man ?Premiums must have been huge. How did they think he would pay for the policy. ?Maybe they never saw him to get tipped off, but didn't the alley address raise a red flag ? Or maybe the fact that the benficiaries were a couple of ladies in their 70s with no relationship to the homeless guys ?

And then the murders. It is hard to take out a guy in an alley with a car. I know that 75 year old women are capable of a lot, but really. What if the last site you ever saw in life was Aunt Bea bearing down on you in a 1965 Impalla ? I assume that your last thought would be "OH, that's what they wanted the Life Insurance for ! "

So here we have a hell of a crime and the makings of a great movie. It is just too bad that Francis Bavier is not alive to play the part she was born to play.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Maddona in Space

Mills of the gods

The lower house of the Russian Duma has turned down, by an unspecified vote tally, an invitation to send Madonna into space in the year 2008. However, a Russian Space Agency spokesman have seemed to indicate that she has a solid chance of riding the rocket in 2009. The spokesman pointed out that she is in good physical and fiscal shape, the two requirements for Russian space tourists. Reportedly, it costs the tourist about $20 million to make the flight.

I don't know about you, but the idea of the Material Girl in space rocks my socks. What an opportunity to revive interest in space travel. One problem though, because of the sensitivity or the Russian Orthodox church, political leaders in Russia will not call her by the name Maddona. She has been performing over there recently, and there has been some church protest, but it has not kept people from attending the concerts.

I guess they will call her by her real name, or maybe just "hey you". I asssume that she will beam a special concert back to Russia with the option of dancing around tethered to the ship in outer space ! What a show. Of course, she will have to take a huge entourage up there to support her and the show, so we need to spend the time between now ond '09 enlarging the space station.If we do a show up there it needs to be first rate.

Of all the celebrities available, Maddonna would not be my first pick to go into space. There are a number of others I would like to see up there, preferably on Apollo 13, if it is still available.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Maybe that explains ZZ Top

Mills of the gods

Greg Weddle, a school teacher in Ephrata, Washington has vowed not to shave until Osama Bin Laden is caught.His beard has been growing for five years. During that time, despite looking like an Old Testament prophet, Weddle has landed a permanenet job as a science teacher at the middle school in Ephrata. There do not seem to be any contingencies to the story. What if Bin Laden dies without being caught ? What if Weddle needs a job where he actually has to look like a citizen in contemporary society ? What is he needs a tracheotomy and his beard gets in the way ?What if the parents of tweleve year olds in Ephrata decide that they don't want a nut case teaching science to their children (although I assume that if anyone in Ephrata cared, that would have emerged as an issue by now).

When I was a boy, I had a pair of Orange socks that I swore I would not take off until the Houston Oilers lost a football game. I wore those socks for about six hours. But if the Oilers had been a good team I was prepared to go as long as it took. I went to Jr. High School with a boy named Mark Harding whose team won the World Little League Championship. He wore the same underwear for the last couple weeks of the tournament. The media played it up as a good luck charm. When he got back to school he confided in me that he had run out of underwear and that was the only reason he wore the same pair. Maybe Weedle is just too cheap or lazy to go buy a razor. He has hit on a pretty good scam though. If the School Board members came to their collective senses and wanted to fire him, they would be accussed of being pro al Queda. So why doesn't the guy use his scam for something worthwhile. "I'm going to park in this no parking zone until Bin Laden is captured". "I'm not going to eat brussle sprouts until Bin Laden is captured. " " I am going to sit right here at this bar every night until Bin Laden is captured". It is a brilliant dodge, bullet proof to criticism, he is just using it for the wrong benefit.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Bad time to be a Sting Ray

Mills of the gods

I did not know much about Steve Irwin, the so called Crocodile Hunter. The truth is, I don't know much about Australia or Australians.They are so far away. I will never see Australia because I could not survive on an airplane trip long enough to get there. So it is hard for me to understand that the Australians wanted to give the Croc Hunter a state funeral, usually reserved for great leaders of a country. Reagan's state funeral was the last one here, I guess. But whether or not he deserved a state funeral, it is now apparent that Stingrays are being killed and mutilated in Australia as revenge for Irwin's death. I assume that we will soon hear that certain Chevrolet Corvettes have been gutted by the incensed Aussies.

I'm sorry that Erwin died. He seemed like a fun guy. I would not subject my daughter to wild animals in the same way he exposed his children, but frankly, my daughter probably faces more danger from traffic every day that his kids do, so I have no right to complain. But it is carrying things a bit too far to blame the whole Stingray race for the actions of one of them. Plus, so far there is little evidence that Erwin's death was a premediated act by a cold blooded murderer. All signs seem to point to the killer Ray having a somewhat natural reaction to having its habitat filled with video cameras, sound systems and screaming, Australians. These things happen. Usually what happpens on the Great Barrier Reef, stays on the Great Barrier Reef, but with modern sattelite technology and twenty four hour cable news channels, it is getting harder to cover up things like this. I am worried that the spate of Stingray killings in Australia may soon lead to copy cat killings world wide. Irwin had more fans in America than he did in Australia (because we are a much larger country and drink a lot less beer per capita, so he was more recognizable here). I hope and pray that none of them are thinking of Stingray mutilation this morning. The Australian reports said that Steve Irwin would not have wanted this. Let's do what Steve would have wanted us to do. Let's go wrestle a Croc' ! "Crikey ! "

Monday, September 11, 2006

When a town loses

Mills of the gods

The local college football team was beaten fairly, squarely and pretty soundly on Saturday night. Everyone had been pointing to this particular game since practices began. Actually, anyone with half of a brain could have predicted how it would turn out, but this did not stop the general shock and dismay the townsfolk all felt throughout the rest of the weekend, running into today. Luckily, today is the anniversary of 9/11, a real tragedy, so we are kind of blending in with the rest of the nation. But I guess that's my point.

How come the civic pride suffers so much when a home team loses ? In the end, who the hell cares ? No one dies. Only rarely do you personally know someone on the team, so you can't even feel sorry for someone. I have long believed (because I read it somewhere) that it is based on mass identification. The same thing that makes people cry on 9/11. The same thing that made people go to torch lit ceremonies for Hitler. We like to identify with something bigger than ourselves. It works for good and evil both. But football is neither good nor evil, which is why it is so sad that so many people take it so seriously.As Jerry Seinfeld observed, you are really cheering for laundry out there. The people are interchangable.There were almost 90,000 people at the game on Saturday night. Another 10-20,000 people from Ohio were here without tickets (they really cared !). I don't know how many other people in town watched the game on T.V., but I will bet that it was well in excess of 300,000. For arguments sake, lets say half a million people dedicate about 4 hours of their lives to this game, although the outcome really meant nothing to them beyond psychic thrill or disappointment (OK, a good number had bets on the game). That is 2 million man hours spent on the event. If your time is only worth $10 an hour, that's $20 million dollars. What could a city do with 2 million manhours or $20 million dollars. Now here, we would build luxary boxes at the stadium, but suppose you lived in a town with real needs, or, more accuratly, one that cared about it's real needs ? Even if you were a real stingy guy, you could lower taxes. If you were a dreamer, you could build a school which would have a life span of at least 50 years ! Think of that, you could have a building which would house the education of at least 50,000 people over that time. We don't do this because we care about the wrong things. No one should take away the educations of 50,000 kids because they want their team to beat Ohio State. Now beating Notre Dame or the University of North Caroliana, that would have been worth it to me.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Paris Hilton D.U.I.

Mills of the gods

The news this morning brings the delightful news that Paris Hilton was arrested last night for D.U.I. The article I read stated that the media was very interested in whether she was handcuffed or not. You would think that with the hundreds of people who follow these "celebs" around, someone would have gotten a picture of her being cuffed. Her publicity agent (she needs one of these ? talk about wasted money) said that the test showed her to have registered "the least amount of alcohol consistent with an arrest for DUI. " In other words, she was drunk. Legally drunk. Gassed, snokered, how ever you want to say it, she was drunk while driving an automobile on the public streets of California. Now most of you suspect what I do, that she got caught on purpose so that she can do a whole series of shows from the arrest all the way through the funny community service that the Judge will make her do. She will be wearing one of those orange jump suits with a bunch of other community service folks (alcoholics and the homeless for the most part) and we will get to eavesdrop on her conversations and laugh at the fact that she can't really properly use one of those pointy stick things to pick up litter on the highway. If she can get "shock probation" i.e. 24-48 hours in the slammer before probation, we will have the great scenes of her wearing the blue denim prison garb and being marched off to lunch with her fellow prisoners. We will get to laugh at the idea of Paris eating the slop they serve and if we are lucky, get to see her talk to tough to some dykie looking prisoner who wants Paris to be "her bitch". Then when she is released we will see her weep in the car on the drive home and talk about her ordeal. You watch, she will make more money off of this arrest than you or I will make in a lifetime of work. God, what a great country.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Monkey see/Monkey do

Mills of the gods

I missed my morning blog yesterday because I was sending friends Monk-e-mails. This is a service my wife pointed out to me over the weekend which allows you to type in any message and forward it like e-mail to a friend. The difference in e-mail and Monk-e-mail is that instead of reading the message, your friend has the message spoken to him by a chimp. The message is spoken in either an English accent, or in your own voice.

Of all of the things yet created for the internet, this is the greatest. It towers over all other achievments made by the human being in association with computers. Never before in history has a person had the option of having messages instantly conveyed to anyone by a talking Chimp.The electronic talking chimp even challanges such scientific achiements as human flight and the automobile for technical supremacy. It possibly ranks with the discovery of fire and the first fermentation of grain into whiskey as human achievments of the first order.It truly proves that with science, all things are possible.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Mills of the gods

Jobs for Oldies

The AARP, a lobbying firm for the elderly, disguised as a social group, released its yearly list of best companies to work for if you are over 50. There was a time when I did not pay much attention to that list, but I look at it pretty carefully now. BY the year 2012, one of every five employees will be over 50. That means several things to the average American office.They will need more bathrooms and bigger parking spaces to start with. The quality of the company softball team will go down and the Christmas party will end a few hours earlier.Health care premiums will sky rocket. On the good side, wait a minute, there is no good side.

What no one talks about when they are bitching about illegal immigration, is that it is one of the things keeping America from being totally geriatric. Here we have millions of young people, strong enough and resourceful enough to sneak past all of those border guards so that they can do jobs that the rest of us will soon be too infirm to do, and we want to send them back !Hell, we ought to be happy they want to live up here in Grampsville. When you were 21 did you want to hang out with the old folks ? Of course not. When you were 18 did you ever say, "you know, I'd like to run away to a country whose average age would allow them to star on "The Golden Girls" ,that sounds like a way to spend my youth." So the fact of the matter is that by 2012, when one in five employees is an old fart who can't hear, about one in five will necessarily have to be a young Spanish speaking kid so that we can get some work done. That means that 40% of the work force either won't be able to hear or understand what the other 60% is saying. "Que ? " and "eh ?" will be the two most commonly repeated questions at any job in America. " I need to see Mildred and Jose in the conference room immediatly." Mildred: " eh ? ", Jose: "Que ? ". Mildred and Jose will then be put on a team together for a project and never hear or understand one word from each other.And this is unavoidable, because if Mildred and Jose don't get hired, we will be 40% short in the work place.

The really bad thing is that none of the old guys have saved any money for retirement. In fact they will all still owe hundreds of thousands on credit cards.They can't quit ! And as long as they stay in the work place, they will probably get good medical care, so no one will ever retire. That means that Jose will be pushing Mildred around in a wheel chair for a quarter century or so, while the other 60% of the people in the U.S, work force illegally immigrate to Mexico.