Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Duct Tape strikes out

Mills of the gods

I have never been fond of the Dutch. There was a chocolate shop in a trendy shopping center where I grew up that was run by the meanest Dutch woman, and possibly the meanest woman who ever lived. Even my mother, who used the term with great caution, considered her a bitch. Since this was the only representative of the Netherlands I personally met the first twelve years of my life, I was left with what some may say was an unfair impression.Most children's first impression of the Dutch comes from the Diary of Anne Frank and thus come away with a much more positive image of the folks.

None of this has anything to do with the report today from Holland, that Maastricht University has found that Duct tape does not cure warts. This is directly counter to the study of Dr Dean Focht, an American, who had reported that Duct tape worked as well on warts as cryotherapy (buring off the wart).
Perhaps Dutch warts just act differently than American warts, perhaps the vius which causes the warts is a different one. Or, perhaps the Dutch screwed up their study.

It appears to me that the director of the study, one Dr. Marloes de Haen, was a little lazy in gathering his information. He studied 103 wart infested children, ages 4-12 by placing a corn pad on half of them and Duct tape on the other half. But then he did not examine the childrenin order to confirm the results. He says that he called them on the phone and asked them about their wart. What are the chances that an eight year old child is going to keep Duct tape on his hand for six weeks ? And who made the calls to the kids ? You know it was not de Haen (the lazy ass). I can hear the calls made by one of those minimum wage pollsters that call my house. "Hello Eric, I was just calling to see if that nasty wart is still on your hand ? " "why yes it is" replies Eric. "Oh, too bad, did you leave your Duct tape on the full six weeks ?" "Uh, why yes, of course. " "You didn't take it off when you went skating ?" . "Why no, of course not, all of my friends thought that it was nice that I had silver Duct tape wrapped around my hand for six weeks."

This is what we call in America an unscientific sample.

I am reasonably sure that Duct tape can cure warts. I would not be surprised if it turned out that Dr. (if he is a real doctor) de Haen is nothing but a stooge for the big pharmacuetical companies. Once word gets out that Duct tape can cure warts, it will probably be found to cure most other viruses too. That's the end of the profits for Upjohn and Pfiezer and the others.Not to mention the big drug store chains. Everyone will be purchasing the only medical supply they need down at the Home Depot.The Dutch need to get out of medical testing and go back to what they are good at, building dikes, making chocolate and terrorizing the children who frequent their candy stores.


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