Saturday, January 20, 2007

Let's Chat

Mills of the gods

Hillary Clinton has announced that she is forming an exploratory committee to see if she should run for President. In her announcement she said "let's chat" about what we think is important in America today. I was not surprised that Hillary wants to chat with me. I met her once after a speech, and when I thanked her for coming, she looked me right in the eye and said, "No, thank you for coming." in a very serious manner. I suppose that she knew just how important my time was and wanted to convey true gratitude for my appearance. So, I know that when Hillary says that she wants to chat, she is talking right to me, and looking forward to hearing my ideas, to get my guidance and advice.

I do have a lot of ideas about America and how we can get out of this mess we are now in and go back to those heady days when our only problems were Hillary's husband's predilictions. What a wonderful time that was. The market was up, unemployment was almost zero, and we had a budget surplus. More importantly, all of our forgien adventures were managable and did not involve the deaths of 3,000 American soldiers, nor, as of yesterday, the amputations of 500 more. So I guess you'd have to say that the number one thing I'd like to chat with Hillary about, is the fucking war in Iraq and some creative ideas that I have come up with to end it. President Bush propses sending 21,000 more troops and Congress says that that won't work, but among Democrats, I am the only one I know of who is proposing concrete alternatives to the administration. Here are some of my ideas. Don't attack them unless you have thought of something more workable.

1. Send in the Missionaries- Everyone knows that the root cause of all of these problems is Islamic fundamentalism. These guys think that dying for the cause is a great privlege, so sending in more soldiers is about the dumbest idea imaginable. Instead of 21,000 soldiers, how about we send in 21,000 fundamentalist Christian missionaries to convert these heathens. If God is really on our side in this battle, it will work ! If God is not on our side, it won't, but at least the missionaries will go to heaven for their sacrafice, so they get something out of it.That is unless we are really wrong about this and the Muslims are right about everything. Further, the presence of 21,000 Christian missionaries in the Bahgdad area will act as a deterent to terrorists. No Al Queda operative is going to come into Iraq if he has to pass one of those grinning missionaries handing out tracts at every corner. No country is worth putting up with that.

2. Time Travel- We have the finest minds in the country working on weapons systems when all we need is a good time travel machine. We send someone back to 2001 prevent 9/11, or, more to the point, to November of 2000 to teach all those old people in florida how to vote for the right way. Either one of these keeps us out of Iraq at a fraction of the cost of the war.

3.Bring back Kissinger- Say what you will about Henry, he knew how to paper over a bad war. Lock him in a room with the Shites, the Sunnis and the curds and he will cobble together an agreement for peace with honnor for all concerned. It will be a worthless treaty which will fall apart with disastorus consequences inside of two years, but hey, we'll be out. Just like last time.

4.Change in geopolitical strategy- If Hillary would just announce that the Middle Easy is no longer the lynch pin of our geopolitical strategy, there would be no reason for us to be there. Instead, we could carve out a new forgien policy built around the Carribien and certain vacation islands in the south pacific. We say that it is the stated purpose of the United States to maintain the freedom and prosperity of these places, and start committing our resources to that end.We immediatly send all of our troops in Iraq on a Carnival Cruise Ship to Jamaica as a start. When Castro dies, the Marines "hit the beaches" at Cuba and start bringing back the old days to that Island.We hit each island until each is safe for vacationing, retirment and off shore banking.

5. Buy off the Muslims- This is the easiest plan of all, and if it had been put into place three years ago, we'd be out of the Middle East. We are going to spend between four and five hundred billion dollars destroying Iraq. Do you realize how much money that is. In a region where people are always desperatly poor, if we had just passed that money out to the citizens (with the proviso that they buy western products with it) everyone would be too happy to fight. That sounds a little ineeficent, but if you want efficency, we just give 50 billion to the leaders and tell them to live it up and repress everyone else. That's how it already works in Saudi Arabia, and we have not had to go to war in Saudi Arabia have we.But back to the original idea, The population of Iraq is about 27 million. I figure conservatively that there are about 6 million families in Iraq. Tha means that we could take 500 billion and give more than $8,300 to a family That's about four times the annual income for each family in Iraq now. Hell, they'll party like it's 1999. There won't be time for any fighting.

So Hillary, these are my ideas. I'm ready to chat and will call you monday.

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