Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Return of the Mummy

In what is getting to be alarmingly familair, a mummified human being was found on his bed in Beaumont, Texas, having lain there eighteen months. Unlike the recently discovered Long Island mummy, who had been found sitting in front of his blaring T.V. set, there is at least a small excuse for this one. Seems when Hurricane Rita hit, a year and a half ago, most folks abandoned the neighborhood for weeks. When they came back, people asked
"What happened to Mr. Larry?" but no one knocked on his door. The house had suffered no structural damage in the hurricane, so the authorities did not investigate it. Only after the property became an eye sore did people get concerned, and even them, no one found him until some one was interested in buying the place and walked in the bed room on a home tour to find the Golden Triangle's version of Lon Chaney staring him in the face.

Mr Larry's daughter lives less than half a mile away, but thought that any criticism of her not finding her dead dad in the last year and a half was unfair. She said that he was a recluse and that you could knock on his door forever, and he would not answer. All of this leads me to believe that Mr Larry had been dead even longer than is suspected. Hell, he could have been lying there for years, his dishes and wine glasses set at the table, as reported by the news.Maybe he was not a recluse. Maybe he was just dead.

If you are going to take the mummy route, Beaumont might seem a pretty good place to do it. There is no reason ever to go outside there. It is hot, humid, polluted and just plain smells bad there.The best that can be said about Beaumont is that it is not Port Arthur (it's sister city). Port Arthur probably has hundreds of mummies entombed around the town. Although how a body could mummify in deep southeast Texas defies all we know about the human body and climatology.It also defies all we know about utilities in Texas, they would have turned your A.C. off after you missed the first payment.Let's see how dry you can get that way.

At some point one has to ask himself, if I died, on top of my bed or in a chair watching T.V., how long before anyone would miss me ? Could I linger there and mummify like these fellows ? Would someone at work come looking for me ? Could I go a year to eighteen months lying around, only to be discovered by the cable guy when Time Warner found out that I was getting free HBO ? Who knows ? The odds of being discovered in Austin are much higher than in Beaumont. People like to come to Austin. I think I would not make six months before I was discovered. That's too bad in a way because I don't think that's long enough to mummify. The headline would not be mummified lawyer found behind desk, it would have the terrible word "decomposed"or worse, "decomposing"in place of mummified. So here's the deal. If you have noot seen me in six months, wait at least six more before you start looking again. It is true that you will be criticized for not missing me sooner, but that is a lot easier to deal with than a decomposing body.


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