Thursday, July 26, 2007

Breakfast at Waterloo

I have always like menus. They are like the toy catalouges I used to get every christmas when I was a kid. Unlike those catalouges, I get to pick something off of the menu and it comes right out ! This is a basic laminated one page breakfast menu. My eyes wander to find whatever they call the two egg with sausage and hash browns and biscuit breakfast. Ah, here it is, $6.50. Not too bad. But wait, what's this, for $7.25, 75 cents more you can get the "Texas Platter", four eggs, four sausages, hash browns and biscuits. Double the normal order, for only 75 cents more. This is like the movie popcorn, where they hold up that enormous tub that you could swin around it and say, "you sure you don't want this, it's only a quarter more ?".

But who could eat that much popcorn ("free refills !") ? and who could eat that many eggs and that much pork. See, this shows a marketing flaw. Anyone that needs four eggs for breakfast is going to be willing to pay more than seventy five more cents. And just because you can double an already huge breakfast for only 75 cents, does not mean a normal person would do it. Oh well, I guess they know what they are doing. What's this ?

On the back of wht ketchup bottle (actually upside down plastic container with large opening) is a notice. Submit a film about ketchup to Heinz and win $57,000. $57,000 ? What a strange amount, why not $50,000 ? Oh, Heinz Ketchup ! Heinz 57. what the hell does that 57 mean. The other side of the container says "Heinz 57 varieties" since 1869. That's right. 57 varieties. That's why a mixed dog used to be called a Heinz 57. 57 Varieties of what ? Not Ketchup. I guess it's an old slogan for all when they sold items that has hung on for almost 140 years. When I was a kid Heinz used to advertize that they had been making ketchup for "four generations". I did not know what generation meant.One of my friends told me that it was 100 years.My father told me that he considered a generation to be about 20 years.No one told me that there was no actual number involved.

Uh oh, that waiter is in trouble "No, I'm DE-caff, and I'd like a glass of water too ! ". The two engineering profs shake their head sadly at the young man and go back to drawing on their napkins so that they can help the world advance. Why is it DE-caff ? Why not de-Caff ? We don't say "DE caffinated" De-caff should only be used by people who say I-talians or INsurance or PEcan. But everyone says it. My father used to point his finger at a cup and announce loudly to the waitress "DE-caff". Then when it was poured he would always ask her, "Is that DE-caff?". For good measure my mother would often get into the act and question the waitress a little more closely. They were (are) a good team, I doubt any caffinated coffee has ever slipped by them.

Now the waiter turns to me. he is about 25, with a burr haircut and no tatoos, which is remarkable for this town and this place. Over in the corner, as asst. manager with a clip board has been interviewing another potential employee for longer than we interview potential lawyers. That guy over there looks more like the normal waiter around here. Bet he gets the job. I order.

When the meal comes back I get a strange question from burr hair cut (maybe the engineer profs are right). "Would you like some Jelly for your biscuits ?". "Yeah, hey, how about some butter ?"I ask. "Butter ?" he nods thoughtfully, a puzzled expression on his face. "Butter with bread" I can hear him thinking,"hmmm., I might have to try that." Burr haircut trundles off to bring me butter and an assotment (if two varieties is an assortment) of Knotts Berry Farm jams and Jellies. All right. Knotts Berry Farm is a guilty pleasure of my immediate family. Once a year we drive for an hour and a half on southern California freeways to stand in a long line of wheel chairs and walkers, to make our way into the Knotts Berry Farm chicken restaraunt. Damn it is good. The best pan fried chicken left in America. My stomach feels bloated just thinking about those long drives home after stuffing ourselves.How long can it last ? The Knotts restaraunt's clintele is dying out. Some day we will drive up there and the damn thing will be a Wendys.

Geez this is a lot of food. How could anyone eat that Texas Platter ? I wish the rain would stop.This is just about the hardest rain yet. It's like they moved Austin to the Pacific Northwest for the summer.When do they salmon run ?I notice that the bandage on my arm is coming loose.
I had blood drawn this morning. That's why I'm so hungry. I have been "fasting" at least that's what the med tech called it. "Fasting" to them means not snacking after midnight and then eating breakfast a little late, after they stick a needle in your arm. That kind of fasting is not too tough on anyone.I hate blood tests. Nothing really great can come of this. Either I'm fine, about like last year, or something horrible will turn up. It's like ordering off the menu, only the exact opposite.You have nothing to gain.No one is going to bring you something good ! And it is possible they will bring you something bad. In fact, it is guaranteed that at some point in life, you will be brought something bad.This could be the time. Why order ?

But the breakfast is good. Tomorrow the doctor could call and tell me never to eat eggs and sausages again. So I savor every bite. I give burr haircut a nice tip. I've got a lot going on. I need all the good karma I can get.


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