Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Just a Matter of Time

If what I read on CNN today is true, it is only a matter of time before I am arrested in an airport restroom for Lewd Conduct, my career brought to a humiliating end, and my life pretty much over.

Apparently Senator Larry Craig (fron Idaho of all places) entered a restroom at the Minneapolis Airport and placed his luggage between the toilet and the stall door. I always do that. Why ? Because if you leave your suitcase outside the stall, someone will steal it. If you bring it into the stall, it will not fit on the sides or behind the toilet. This leaves you with one choice, which, according to Minneapolis Vice Squad thinking means that I am "using the bag to block the view from the front of the stall." Well, I guess it is true that the view from where the stall door ends to where the ground begins is blocked. But anyone over about 5' 10'' can look in over the stall door and anyone who was going to lie down on the toilet paper littered, piss infested tile floor to look in the fron of the stall , might just be brave enough to look in from the side of the stall. Maybe Minnesota perverts carry three suitcases with them to block all stall visual contact. Maybe they throw a tarp over the top of a stall before entering.

Now if that was where this all ended, I would not be worried. I'd just have to make a decision. do I want to be arrested for lewd behavior, or do I want to lose my suitcase. I can deal with losing my suitcase. But it is a harder issue. Apparently, Senator Craig made the critical mistake of "tapping his right foot", the International signal "used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct". Well shit. Anyone who knows me, knows that my right foot almost never stops tapping. It is a nervous habit, or if you believe current medical science, a nuerological defect that I have had all my life. Apparently, every time I have gone into a restroom for the last half a century, I have been sending out a well known signal that I want to engage in lewd conduct. Why the hell did someone not tell me this ? Why did they let it drag on all of these years ? How have I avoided arrest up until now ? I have been the Poster Child for lewd conduct everytine I have entered a bathroom stall at an airport, put my suitcase in front of me and started tapping..

Now Senator Craig also ran his hand under the stall partition several times. Well, I have never done that. No one concerned with hygeine would, whether they were trying to drum up a little lewd behavior or not. But does this not seem somewhat innocuous ? I mean, I can understand if some guy reaches his whole left arm under the stall, his hand grasping for your penis. I mean, that would be a tell tale sign to me. But I'm not sure that I'd arrest anyone for putting their hand on the bottom of the partition. I damn sure would never shake hands with them, but I would not arrest them.

Senator Craig probably got in the most trouble because his foot hit the cop's foot in the other stall. I'm a big guy with long legs, and I have never come close to doing that. The Senator's explanation was that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom". An "open stance" as we say in the game of baseball. I can imagine that there are reasons why someone would have to have a stance like that in a stall. Giving birth comes to mind, hemphroidectomies, surprise visits from a gynecologist, any of these things are possible. It looks bad, I agree, but I'm not ready to throw the book at him over that.

How about the fact that Senator Craig "peered through a crack in a bathroom stall for two minutes."The cop noticed his penetrating blue eyes through a crack in the door, Actually, there is no way that the cop would have noticed the peering, had not the cop been peering right back. And it is a little odd that the cop made such a big deal out of the Senator's "blue eyes". Hmmm, who was seeking whom for lewd conduct here ? Sounds like entrapment to me.

The best evidence against Senator Craig is that he plead guilty to the crime , that's not so good.Around these parts if we did not do something, we usually plead not guilty.It is easier to beat the rap that way. Pleading guilty plays right into a prosecutor's hands. Back in the 80s there were reports that Craig was being investigated for having sex with Senate Pages. Of course, that was apparently not even a crime until they ran that guy from Florida off last year. I think Pages were the Senate's version of a Priest's Altar Boy there for awhile.So how the Senator will get out of this one is anyone's guess. That Idaho has always seemed like a pretty unforgiving state to me. I see a Democrat pick up in '08. But what difference does it make to me ?By then my foot tapping ways may have me in the same cell block with the Senator. That will not help him sleep too well. As my wife can tell you, I have restless leg syndrome. Who knew that it was such a serious criminal violation ?

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