Thursday, March 29, 2007

Trump meets mis match

Donald Trump is finally hanging out with someone who is in his class as far as being an arrogant ass is concerned. Vince McMahon. I don't know a lot about Vince except that he makes his living promoting fake sporting events on television and tried to start a Pro Football league for NASCAR fans a few years back. I have never watched any of his wrestling shows because they are simply too loud and undignified. Wrestling, when it was local, and the World Champion's covered about the same area as a congressional district, was a lot of fun. The great Paul Bosch of Houston matched gladiators for many years at the Sam Houston Coloseum and my brother and I used to watch every Friday night on Channel 13. Irish Danny McShane, Wild Bull Curry. Professor Malenko and the immortal Wahoo McDaniel were great and colorful wrestlers. Every six months or so Lou These, the world champion, would come to town and wrestle big Ernie Ladd and Ernie would always lose. The prelims were full of midgits, tag teams, Texas death matches in a cage and my personal favorite, the Battle Royale, in which about a dozen guys threw each other out of the ring until only one was left.

Then this guy Vince came along and nationalized wrestling. He turned it into a very, very loud sporting experience with his piped in rock music and national cable T.V. contracts. The wrestling experience created by Vince has now spilled over into virtually every sporting event, Pro Basketball being the most influenced,with its loud rock at every time out. So you could argue that Vince not only ruined wrestling, but all sports.Now he is matched with a guy even he can't ruin. Donald Trump.

Of all the despicable garbage that a booming United States economy has washed on shore over the past quarter century, few can match Trump, and none can top him. This jack ass that owns the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban I think his name is, places a respectable second. Anyway, Trump and Vince have a fued over who the first one was to use the catch phrase "you're fired". Can you believe that ? People have been saying "you're fired" since the first caveman showed incompetence on a wooly mammoth hunt and was sent home by the head Og. But these two jerk offs each think that they invented the phrase. By the way, if anyone asks, I'm the guy that invented the phrase "let's eat" and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Not content to have this fight, Vince and Trump have now arranged a wrestling match in which they will each have a champion (no, they won't wrestle each other) and the loser has to have his head shaved. Trump says that he only agreed to go along with this because Vince is putting up a lot of money for charity. Possibly the Donald Trump Home for Wayward Girls. Another reason that he is doing this, and you can bet the farm on this, is that Vince promised him that his champion would take the fall and that he, Vince, would get his head shaved.That's one of the great things about wrestling. A number of people know who the winner is going to be before the match starts. Now the wrestlers all work for Vince, so I suppose that a switcheroo is not impossible, but I'm betting that Vince would not want Trump saying that the match was rigged. There may still be some poor schnook, somwewhere in America, who believes that this stuff is real.

So stay tuned. It might not be Ali v. Frazier, but it is as close to it as we get in America these days.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Watch Jeff Corwin get tossed by an elephant

That's what the headline said. I did not know who Jeff Corwin was, but I sure wanted to see him get tossed by an elephant. It was worth it too. The elephant grabbed him around the arm and tossed him back into the water. I watched it four times and laughed myself silly at this near tragedy each time. I especially enjoyed Corwin's wild cries of pain and surprise while the elephant was tossing him around like a rag doll. I know it sounds sick, but I don't think anyone could watch this video without laughing.It helps (a little) that I knew in advance he came out of the attack all right. But if he had died, they'd have posted it anyway, just like that 80 year old dude that got washed away by the flood the other day.

It seems that this guy Corwin is an animal biologist. He was over in South East Asia along with Anderson Cooper (damn, if only that elephant would have grabbed Cooper) harrasing one of the few remaining Asian elephants so as to be able to make money off of it when the scene is shown on Anderson Cooper's television show. For his troubles, Corwin came within a camel's hair of joining former TV star Steve Erwin in the Dead Naturalists Hall of Fame. What those two idiots (Cooper and Corwin) were doing standing waist deep in a river, petting elephants is beyond me. As one of my partners would say, "what could possibly go wrong ?" It reminded me of the famous Mary Tyler Moore episode "Chuckles Bites the Dust" where the clown host of a children's show dresses up like a peanut for a circus parade and gets killed by an elephant. None of the guy's colleagues can talk about it without laughing. There are even lists that go out over the internet of deaths so bizzare or stupid that, despite the fact that each of them is a genuine tragedy, you can't help but laugh. You know that Anderson Cooper was thrilled when that elephant grabbed Corwin. If he'd have died, Cooper would have been sad, but CNN would have made the best of it and done a couple of heart felt specials with Cooper as the host, asking the audience for donations, at the end of each show for some Siam Wild Elephant Preserve that they would build in Corwin's honor.

This Anna Nicole thing has been the final nail in the coffin of good taste for American Broadcasting. The nation sits transfixed and laughing under it's collective breath about a death of a human being and the fight over her child. It is entertainment pure and simple. Just like it would have been if Corwin had been grabbed around the neck instead of the arm and expired in front of a television audience. The last bastions of respect have been breached. We will laugh at anything, be entertained by anything, the gorrier the better. They will probably give the damn elephant its own reality show, or maybe a quiz show to see, now that we know that no adults are smarter than fifth graders, if any one is smarter than a rouge elephant. Or better yet, put the elephant on the Survivor's island and see who can survive now. As long as I live, I will never get over just how right Barnum was when he said "No man ever went broke by underestimating the taste of the public".

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Spoils and spoil sports of victory

As a life long Democrat, I often worry that my judgement is clouded by my own particular political perspective. For that reason I am often very happy when my own political party initiates political shennanigans. That proves to me that I can still think straight. As of this morning the President, who is still an absolute fucking numbskull despite what I am about to say, has instructed the executive branch (of which he is second in command behind only the Vice Presiddent) to resist any subpoenas on the subject of the recent firings of a number of U.S. Attorneys. Normally, I would be most upset by a President telling Congress where to stick their subpoenas. I got quite upset when Mr Nixon did this some time ago. But I just can't get worked up about this issue.

In a nutshell, a bunch of U.S. Attorneys, who serve at the pleasure of the President, and are "at will " employees seem to have been canned for partisan reasons. There's a shock. When questioned about it by Congress, another dumb shit, who happens to be serving as our Attorney General, said that the firings were not political. All he had to say was that these guys are all at will employees and can be fired when we want to fire tem, case closed. If you guys want to do something about it, win the next presidential election. But he did not say that, because he is either an sanctimonious nincompoop or an inveterate liar. He said the only thing that would get him in trouble, something that could be proven to be demonstrably false by office e-mails.We did not fire them for partisan reasons.

Look, for a couple of centuries this country has functioned on the spoils system. It has been modified for non-poitical jobs (and political is defined VERY broadly) but it is still a system where the winners get jobs and the losers cry over spilt milk. When we win, God willing, in 2008, we will do the same thing. The Senate,i.e. the Democrats, in trying to precipitate a Constituitional Crisis, over nothing, is wasting our time and money. They need to be spending a little time figuring out how to move the President toward an end to the meat grinder in Iraq and not fussing over whether Karl Rove's buddy is going to be the next U.S. attorney of Omaha.No one is going to get bombed in Omaha or shot by a sniper. It's the war stupid. That's what we should be focusing on.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Suspicion

A very small blurb in my home town newspaper today tells of a fellow who was found dead in the back of a City of Austin garbage truck yesterday. The report said that the Police are looking inot the matter as a "non-suspicious death". Huh ? I would think that they would be a little bit suspicious. If only to find out how the fellow got back there. Was he dead in a dumpster and picked up and dumped in ? Did he dive into the truck for a nap, earlier in the day, and die of a heart attack or from being crushed by thousands of pounds of Austin garbage ?I think that the big problem is the word suspicion. I am sure that the Police are "curious" about the death, just not suspicious about it in the legal sense (not looking for a suspect). But suspicion is the act or an instant of believing that something bad, wrong or harmful has happened, with little eviidence to support it. If I had found a dead guy in the back of my garbage truck at the end of the day, I might have had an "instant" of thinking that something bad, wrong or harmful had happened. Any death is per se "harmful" to the deceased. Even if the City has no culpability in the death, it is still "bad" or "wrong" that the truck drove around all day, making its rounds and dumping tons of garbage on the corpse.

Plus, how can the Police not suspect foul play. ?I have seen over a dozen T.V. shows where a guy is murdered and put in a dumpster (or parts of him are scatered around several dumpsters). Don't the Austin Police ever watch Law and Order. Dumpster killings and dismemberments are a dime a dozen in Manhattan. Lenny Briscoe would have been suspicious the second that he heard about it.Maybe the dead show up in garbage trucks down in Texas often enough to where it is no big deal. I don't hear it much anymore, but I used to hear people comment (usually after attending an expensive funeral) that they "just want to be put out with the trash". Maybe more people actually do that than I had realized and the Austin Sanitatioin folks are used to acting as a cheap funeral home.

The truth of the matter is that we all know what happened and the reason we don't treat it as suspicious is because it implicates all of us . I will give you a hundred to one that the deceased is a homeless guy. Whether it was an accident, negligence or a crime, no city official, and damn few of the public want to squander public resources looking into it. In the end you have to say that it is another example of a particularly greedy society not giving a good God Damn about its forgotten members. We see the homeless every day. Where do we think they die ? Do we think that in death, they are suddenly more loveable than they were in life and the families come and pick them up for a proper burial ? Hell no, they die of exposure and fellow homeless guys put them in dumpsters, so as not to have to answer a bunch of questions fron the Police.Who might or might not be suspicious.

Monday, March 19, 2007

a trillion here and a trillion there

It was not so long ago that a "trillion" had no more real meaning than the a "gazillion" did. It was a word that you used to express the infinite. No one, outside of maybe a few astronomers, gave the number any real meaning. all that has changed over the past few years. Trillion now means something in the world and the latest thing that it means is that those Chinese are getting rich.

It is reliably reported that China is going to have a one trillion dollar budgert surplus this year. Now, if you are like me, and got no further than high school geometry, and took that three times, you are not quite sure of the purchasing power of a trillion dollars and so you don't know what exactly what options the Chinese have for their trillion dollars.

First, how much is a trillion ? Hell, how much is a billion ? If you start counting, and count one number a second, it would take you about 90 years of eight hour days to get to a billion. Well, a trillion is a thousand times a billion, so it would take a person, counting one number a second for eight hor days,90,000 years to count to a billion. Imagine some one having that much extra cash. China does. Of course, when you have a country with 1.3 billion people (how do they count them for the census, it would take forever) that's less than $700 a person to hand out. Now the dollar goes a lot further in China, but it still takes more than that to live.

They could invest it, but in what ? they already have almost $400 billion in US Treasury Securities. I guess they could drop it in some mutual funds. What they are probably going to do with it is keep building. You can probably buld a Nuclear Power Plant for about $2-3 billion in China. If they built 500 or so they could electrify all of china, although I don't know if they would have enough plutonium to keep the plants going. They can build dams, skyscrappers, rockets to the moon, pretty much anything they want. What they won't do with it is go to war with it. It has been a long time since China had a war with anyone. That's how you get trillion dollar surpluses. You stay out of wars. I notice that we are running a little defecit over in this country because we have not learned what the Chinese have learned about saving money. On the other hand, your average Chinese does not live the life style even the most modest of our working citizens here has. So I guess it is a "grass is always greener thing". At any rate, a trillion dollars is a lot, no matter how you slice it. If I was running China, I'd get a billion people to all count to a thousand at the same time. That would get you to a trillion pretty quick and would be a fun thing to do.I'd put it on TV so that the whole world could see what you can do if you don't kill Middle Easterners as a hobby.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Seven Herbs and spices

The President of Gambia says that his ancestors came to him in a dream and told him a cure for AIDS using seven different "herbs and spices". Since that time, Gambia has set up a test program and has kicked out at least one non-Gambian doctor who urged people to keep taking the anti-virul regime that the west is providing. I don't know if this Colonel Jammeh, a high school graduate with no formal medical training has foud a cure or not. I am troubled by the fact that they are dispensing the concoction out of old plastic syrup bottles, but that's my hang up, I guess. There is no reason to believe that any longering chemicals from Mrs Butterworth (or is it Ms ?) would dilute the seven herbs and spices to any appreciable degree. And the same goes for Aunt Jemimah and that Log Cabin. Hell, maybe it is the maple in the bottles that is doing the trick.

As with all stories of this type, and this includes stories about Virgin Mary appearances on walls or flat breads, there are already a bunch of folks claimming to be cured. One guy has gained 40 pounds and gotten much stronger. One child has stopped vomiting all together. Who am I to say that Jammeh's ancestors don't know what they are talking about ? I guess I'm a little skeptical only because I know that my ancestors could never come to me in a dream with such valuable information. I can hear my Uncle Earl telling me not to hit on 17, or my Uncle Clifford advising me not to mix my gin with my rye. Maybe my Grandfather telling me to vote Republican and dump the Pepsi stock, but not one of them would have a clue as to how to cure AIDS, or really much else of any scientific importance. That is not their fault.AIDs emerged from Africa and Jammeh's ancestors are reputed to have been great African healers. They are going to know a lot about natural remedies and not as much as my Uncle Regal knew about how to under pay Federal Income Tax for a closely held electronics store.

I never underestimate dreams. The great country song Ring of Fire was written by Johnny Cash with the help of a dream. Lincoln relied on and believed in dreams. The Pharohs of Egypt as well as other ancient rulers ran their empires, in part, on dreams and dream interpretation. I once dreamed that I met Gene Autry.I also have dreamed well over 500 times that I have a final exam coming up the next day in a class that I forgot that I was registered for. While neither of those dreams came true, that does not mean that all dreams are worthless. Twain thought that the entire universe was all just one bad dream. He felt that it was the only possible way to explain such an absurdity. How can anyone argue with that type of logic ? Miracles happen every day. Why just this morning a chimp, at a Chimp Haven, a chimp retirement home, (Conan) who had been given a vesectomy by a reputable vet. was identified, through a paternity test, as the father of a newly born chimp. Miracle ? Sounds like one to me. As I type this, 15 seed A&M -Corpus Christi is ahead of 2 seed Wisconsin. If that holds up would it be a miracle ? Damn straight it would be. And somewhere, someone dreamed last night that it would happen. Probably the descendants of Jimmy the Greek were come to in a dream by the old Greek himself with the inside information. There is more to heaven and earth than exists in your philosophy Horatio. Yours too Conan. Somebody give that monkey a cigar.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Return of the Mummy

In what is getting to be alarmingly familair, a mummified human being was found on his bed in Beaumont, Texas, having lain there eighteen months. Unlike the recently discovered Long Island mummy, who had been found sitting in front of his blaring T.V. set, there is at least a small excuse for this one. Seems when Hurricane Rita hit, a year and a half ago, most folks abandoned the neighborhood for weeks. When they came back, people asked
"What happened to Mr. Larry?" but no one knocked on his door. The house had suffered no structural damage in the hurricane, so the authorities did not investigate it. Only after the property became an eye sore did people get concerned, and even them, no one found him until some one was interested in buying the place and walked in the bed room on a home tour to find the Golden Triangle's version of Lon Chaney staring him in the face.

Mr Larry's daughter lives less than half a mile away, but thought that any criticism of her not finding her dead dad in the last year and a half was unfair. She said that he was a recluse and that you could knock on his door forever, and he would not answer. All of this leads me to believe that Mr Larry had been dead even longer than is suspected. Hell, he could have been lying there for years, his dishes and wine glasses set at the table, as reported by the news.Maybe he was not a recluse. Maybe he was just dead.

If you are going to take the mummy route, Beaumont might seem a pretty good place to do it. There is no reason ever to go outside there. It is hot, humid, polluted and just plain smells bad there.The best that can be said about Beaumont is that it is not Port Arthur (it's sister city). Port Arthur probably has hundreds of mummies entombed around the town. Although how a body could mummify in deep southeast Texas defies all we know about the human body and climatology.It also defies all we know about utilities in Texas, they would have turned your A.C. off after you missed the first payment.Let's see how dry you can get that way.

At some point one has to ask himself, if I died, on top of my bed or in a chair watching T.V., how long before anyone would miss me ? Could I linger there and mummify like these fellows ? Would someone at work come looking for me ? Could I go a year to eighteen months lying around, only to be discovered by the cable guy when Time Warner found out that I was getting free HBO ? Who knows ? The odds of being discovered in Austin are much higher than in Beaumont. People like to come to Austin. I think I would not make six months before I was discovered. That's too bad in a way because I don't think that's long enough to mummify. The headline would not be mummified lawyer found behind desk, it would have the terrible word "decomposed"or worse, "decomposing"in place of mummified. So here's the deal. If you have noot seen me in six months, wait at least six more before you start looking again. It is true that you will be criticized for not missing me sooner, but that is a lot easier to deal with than a decomposing body.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Israeli Forgien Service

One of the top jobs in Israel is a gig with the Forgien Service. To begin with, it gets you out of a country that is about as dangerous as any country that ever existed. One where a bomb could go off on any street that you happen to walk down. Two, it is apparently really just one giant swingers club. After several embarrasing incidents over the past few years, another Israeli Ambassador has found a new way to get the sack.This one may be the most creative of all. Tsurei Raphael has been recalled from his post as Israeli Ambassador to El Salvaador after he was found drunk, bound, gagged and nude in the front yard of his residence. Several "sex toys" were attached to his body. El Salvador sources report that when he was ungagged he immediatly proclaimed, "I am the Ambassaor to Israel ! " For his career's sake, he might have wanted to keep that quiet. But then again, he was drunk. For some unknown reason, Ambassador raphael refused to prefer charges against anyone, and Israel spokesman said that "no law was broken"so I guess it is just a couple of consenting adults having a good time down in the tropics.

Despite the fact that the Ambasador stayed within the letter of the law, and I presume that by law, we are talking about the El Salvadorian Criminal Code, and not the Ten Commandments, Israel chose to recall him because of activities, in their words, that exhibited "behavior not becoming of a diplomat. " Unless you happen to be the Ambassador from Sodom and Gommorah, that is probably true. But really, it is behavior not all that unbecoming for an Isreali Ambassador. Those fellows know how to let the good times roll !It had not been that long since the ambassador from Israel to France died of a heart attack under circumstances Israel found it better not to publicize.,i.e., he was having sex with a woman who was not his wife. Now that can happen to anyone who gets posted to France. It just comes with the territory. But how about the fellow that was dismissed for posting nude pictures of Brazilian women on the internet ? I guess he bllamed it on Rio, but that cost the guy a chance to be Ambassador to Australia. Of course the previous ambassador to Australia had distinguished himself (and gotten recalled) by telling theAussies that they needed to stick together with the Israelis because, "We both live in the Southern Hemisphere, but do not have yellow skin or slanted eyes. " That little gem got the fellow a quick one way ticket back to Jerusalem.

Maybe it is time for Isreal to take a look at the training going on in their Schools for Forgien Service.Which I assume takes place at the "Chicken Ranch" in Nevada. They have enough problems, as a nation, to keep them busy for a good long time. I don't see that they help themselves much with their folks tied up in their own front yards with sex toys attached to them.Even in El Salvador.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Vegetarian Barbeque

A well known vegetarian reataraunt in these parts burned down last night. As it was being investigated early this morning a homeless man wandered over and asked whether he had caused the fire. Turns out the homeless fellow had some "steaks on his grill"on the premises and fell asleep. The ensuing blaze did not harm him in any way, but the esatblishment upon which he was tresspassing and cooking,mostly burned to the ground. The newspaper reports that he was contrite and, much to my surprise, the police have said that no crime was committeed ? Huh ? A kid in the same town was charged with Arson just last week when a fire he set burning up his nintendo game got out of hand. I know that the homeless guy did not mean to burn down the restaraunt, but, like the boy, he did mean to set a fire. He set a fire on property he did not own. This should at least be criminal tresspass or malicious mischief or one of those catch all crimes that we use to throw the homless in jail, shouldn't it ?

And the damn news story leaves more questions than it answers. The homeless guy has no place to live, but owns his own BBQ grill. Does he push it around all day ? Where the hell did he get the money for the steaks ? I mean, if he had money for steaks he could have bought some food (maybe even at the place he burned down) and saved a lot of trouble for everyone. And doesn't it strike you as a bit odd that it was a vegetarian place that burned down from the BBQ ? It almost sounds like a political statement.

Now the gritty little restaruant, whose kitchen was the only thing not burned down, says it is going to put up some tents and start slinging the tofu again, before the end of the week. Would you eat vegetables in a tent on a busy street ? I guess they feel they have a duty to their customer base to keep feeding them. Otherwise the customers may turnnback to beef. Maybe even out door cooking, and you know how dangerous that is.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Rat Redux

Just when you think that you have probably written your last rat blog for awhile, the little beggars come crawling back. Kansas City (where everything is up to date, if you happen to live in the middle ages) is upset this morning over a rat chewing off the nose of a four week old infant this weekend. If the baby monitor had not gone off, there might be little left of the child.Some people have alleged that perhaps the city should not have cut rat erradication from the budget some years back. But that's Monday morning Quarterbacking as far as I'm concerned. When cities stop erradicationg rats, why does it necessarily follow that there will be more rats in a city ? Especially a city like Kansas City. Surely those rats would have moved somewhere warmer on their own anyway. I am sure that the Kansas City City Council was pursuaded to leave this problem to the private sector, where millions of dollars could be made by entrepanuers capturing rats and sending them off as entres to Thailand and North Korea. Every rat poisoned on the street in the US of A is a bite right out of the mouth of a Siamese family or a North Korean Nuclear plant worker.

Turns out that rate problems in the United states have made a huge comeback in the last twenty years. There are reports of elderly people trying to put barricades on the edges of their beds to keep out the rats who "take over at night". Why have we not heard of this before ? It takes a child having it's nose eaten before we focus on a problem like this ? The Kansas City news story had a link to a site on how to get rid of rats. It was not a very high tech site. You can clean up the neighborhood and poison them. Huh, never thought of that. Of course, if you live in New York you can open a KFC and let nature take its course, but that was last week's story.

Remeber the old movie "The Pied Piper", the lead character was played to the hilt by Mr Van Johnson. He's still alive, I think. Let's pull the old cloak and Robin Hood hat out of moth balls and put him to work. He owes us anyway, my mother never forgave him for making all of those movies in World War II when heros like Jimmy Stewart were flying missions. As a kid I asked her how he avoided the draft, "Oh, he's a twinkee" she replied. I did not know what she meant for a number of years.Mom really held a grudge. Well, this is his chance to make it up to her, as well as all those Marines who died at Iwo Jima so that Clint Eastwood could get rich. If Van is any kind of a patriot he needs to be saying right now, "I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come,I said I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come. They got fifty million rats there and I'm gonna get me some."

Friday, March 02, 2007

Will we always have Paris ?

The Associated Press admitted today that it had put a news black out on Paris Hilton over the previous seven days, and no one cared. Indeed, once word of the blackout leaked out, they received congratulations from all around the world. I find the whole thing a bit hypocritical for two reasons. First, the AP is partially reponsible for creating her as a character to write about. It is somewhat like Dr Frankenstein saying that he is going to take a week off from monsters after he has let his creation out into the world.

Second, no one wrote about Paris last week any way because they were all writing about Anna Nicole Smith. So whatever newsprint went unwasted from the Hilton blackout was more than made up for by the Smith feeding frenzy (admit it, you can't wait to get the funeral details).I bet Paris intentionally did nothing newsworthy last week so as to not get in the way of the Smith story, in all its glory. Paris was raised by a refined family (her mom was raised by Mr French for God's sake) and they would have taught her not to try to stand out while the world was grieving over the Smith loss, and entranced by the fight over her soon to be month old corpse.

But I don't want to be too hard on the A.P. Merely because it was a small favor, does not mean that it was not a favor. Seven days without Paris is still a remarkable achievement and I wish it could be extended to other news outlets, especially the internet and television. But the AP's real problem is that they think to small. I have put together a list that I wish they would consider a permanent black out for.

1. Stories about Alan Greenspan- This RETIRED chairman of the FED makes one casual remark in Hong Kong about the American Economy and the next day the Dow loses 400 points. Leave the guy alone, for all our retirement's sake.

2.Stories about children hicoughing for more than five weeks. All this did was draw attention to the kid making it harder for her to stop

3.Stories about that Elvis looking guy who runs North Korea- This guy just acts out for the press.If we had ignored him, the whole country of North Korea would have starved to death by now and there would be no one left to make a nuclear weapn.

4. Stories about the 2008 Presidential election-These candidates are enough to make any American voter sick at his/her stomach. They will be just as nauseating in 2008, why can't the press wait until then to put us through all of this.

5. Stories about polygamy and incest. They are too yucky to consider and yet CNN has stories about both topics among their top five news items of the day on their site. A polite country like ours used to sweep these stories under the rug so that, as a nation, we could get through the day without a slimey feeling. Not everything needs to see the light of day.

These are just a sample of what I would like to see blacked out. Not censored mind you, blacked out by the news agencies themselves as a public service to their consumers. Is it time for Anna's funeral yet ?

Will we always have Paris ?

The Associated Press admitted today that it had put a news black out on Paris Hilton over the previous seven days, and no one cared. Indeed, once word of the blackout leaked out, they received congratulations from all around the world. I find the whole thing a bit hypocritical for two reasons. First, the AP is partially reponsible for creating her as a character to write about. It is somewhat like Dr Frankenstein saying that he is going to take a week off from monsters after he has let his creation out into the world.

Second, no one wrote about Paris last week any way because they were all writing about Anna Nicole Smith. So whatever newsprint went unwasted from the Hilton blackout was more than made up for by the Smith feeding frenzy (admit it, you can't wait to get the funeral details).I bet Paris intentionally did nothing newsworthy last week so as to not get in the way of the Smith story, in all its glory. Paris was raised by a refined family (her mom was raised by Mr French for God's sake) and they would have taught her not to try to stand out while the world was grieving over the Smith loss, and entranced by the fight over her soon to be month old corpse.

But I don't want to be too hard on the A.P. Merely because it was a small favor, does not mean that it was not a favor. Seven days without Paris is still a remarkable achievement and I wish it could be extended to other news outlets, especially the internet and television. But the AP's real problem is that they think to small. I have put together a list that I wish they would consider a permanent black out for.

1. Stories about Alan Greenspan- This RETIRED chairman of the FED makes one casual remark in Hong Kong about the American Economy and the next day the Dow loses 400 points. Leave the guy alone, for all our retirement's sake.

2.Stories about children hicoughing for more than five weeks. All this did was draw attention to the kid making it harder for her to stop

3.Stories about that Elvis looking guy who runs North Korea- This guy just acts out for the press.If we had ignored him, the whole country of North Korea would have starved to death by now and there would be no one left to make a nuclear weapn.

4. Stories about the 2008 Presidential election-These candidates are enough to make any American voter sick at his/her stomach. They will be just as nauseating in 2008, why can't the press wait until then to put us through all of this.

5. Stories about polygamy and incest. They are too yucky to consider and yet CNN has stories about both topics among their top five news items of the day on their site. A polite country like ours used to sweep these stories under the rug so that, as a nation, we could get through the day without a slimey feeling. Not everything needs to see the light of day.

These are just a sample of what I would like to see blacked out. Not censored mind you, blacked out by the news agencies themselves as a public service to their consumers. Is it time for Anna's funeral yet ?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Trans Rats, not Trans Fats are the problem

New York City, attempting to become the oasis of the restaraunt world by banning transfats is having a more basic problem.The New York Daily News, my personal paper of record reports that a day after a the health deapartment gave it the O.K., a "nauseating number of rats were found skittering across counters, floors and tabletops" at a KFC/Pizza Hut. I don't know how many rats "skittering around" it takes to get one nauseated. Here in this part of the country, probably very few. I am lead to believe that this Greenwhich Village nausea was caused by a considerable number of the possibly plauge carrying rodents. It was as if Colonel Sanders himself had slipped on the Pied Piper uniform and lead the big bastards through the streets and into the kitchen to mix with the eleven herbs and spices.

I don't want to get too uppity about this, one man's nausea is another man's banquet. Rats are eaten raw in North Korea and dined on in fine establishments in Thailand. Indeed the sheer number of rats reported at this KFC leads one to believe that the old Colonel night have been substituting them for drum sticks in some buckets. Remember that old urban myth ?The company at issue, Yum Foods, who owns just a whole lot of KFC's and Pizza Huts has closed a number of them this morning in an attempt to clear out other little trouble makers in the Big Apple. A Yum executive named Emil Brolick is quoted as saying that there at Yum, they will "not compromise on their food quality". Hell, if you own Pizza Huts how much more can you compromise yourself on food quality ? Rats are a step up from about half the toppings on what they serve there.

The biggest laugh is on the NYC health inspectors who missed, according to Newsday, 76 rat droppings in their inspection the day before the KFC/Pizza Hut rats began their skittering spree. Rat droppings are small, I can see missing one or two, maybe half a dozen, but how the hell do you miss 76 rat droppings on one KFC floor ? Actually, and amazingly, the guilty restaraunt was never closed, even after the rats were found. NYC ordered that they clean their utensils and bring in exterminators, but did not order them closed. So I guess, it is also OK with the health department up there for people to eat in a place that is being exterminated. What would you have to do to shut down a place up there ? Oh yeah, get caught serving trans fats.