Friday, February 15, 2008

From the Onion

Not much happy news today, rather than drag you down I have just inserted this story from my favorite newspaper “The Onion”



Blogger’s Mother Only One to Mourn Missing Blog


Austin (The Onion)- Jay Porter, mother of Wade Porter is apparently  the only person to notice the gap in her son’s blog on February 15 of this year, and certainly the only one to miss the story. “ I don’t actually have a computer myself”, said Mrs. Porter ,82, of Houston, Texas. “But my daughter in law knows how much I enjoy the stories and she prints them off and sends them to me every week or so. I became concerned when the new batch got here this week and it was missing Friday, February 15.I called Rayda to see if Wade had been sick, but she said no. She had not even noticed the gap. I love Wade’s blogs, especially the ones about his Fifth Grade teacher, Mrs. Gryder, that bitch ! and his little friends Tracy Davenport and Herb Farnsworth. I tell my friends, Wade’s characters are so universal !”


When reached by his mother at work, Porter assured her that he was feeling quite well, he just had not been able to come up with anything worthwhile to say that day. Porter told the Onion, “Usually the blog writes itself, especially if there is some real bizarre news story on C.N.N., but that day  all the news was bad, and nothing was coming to me.On the way to work I thought about doing a blog on writer’s block and how scientists had discovered that it was really just constipation of the brain. I had come up with some funny names for brain laxatives, like” Keo-brain-tate” and “Gray Matter Flush” but I just did not think that I could sustain the joke for 500 words. I guess I could have run a “Best of Mill of the Gods” but all my blogs are on archive so that my fans can read them anytime they want. They deserve better than an old blog.” At this point Porter pounded his desk and said, “my readers deserve the best, the very best, I’m not going to short change them with some 200 word homily”


When questioned about the extent of Porter’s readership, his wife said that three or four friends will look at it occasionally. “He really is pathetic, one day he called me at my job at the library to say that he had written a blog about the homeless guy who had urinated all over several hundred books at our downtown  branch. He wanted me to show it so some co-workers. I told them about it and I guess they must have  looked at it because when he got home, the first thing he said to me was ‘my blog got seven hits today’ . You’d have thought he had won the God damned Pulitzer the way he was strutting around.”


Rayda Porter is also bothered by what she calls the “delusion” that her husband has developed, that people in the real media are stealing his stuff. “About once a month I will get up and find a marked up story from Newsweek or the New York Times on the kitchen table. There will be a note from him like “took this verbatim!”Like he’s the only one who could have thought of some clever line of analysis. For awhile he was e-mailing  that Lou Dobbs with some pretty angry accusations.”


None of Porter’s other “occasional readers” were aware of the missing 2/15 blog. His law partner Matt Ryan exclaimed “For crying out loud, I’m practically running a law firm and raising twin daughters at the same time, does he really think that I would notice that he missed a day on that stupid blog ?” Ryan went on to explain that what had started as a somewhat cute and eccentric hobby for Porter had actually blossomed into a rather nasty habit. “Sometimes, early in the morning, I’ll go into his office to ask him about a legal issue and he will be in there staring at his monitor with that big stupid grin on his face that  he gets when he thinks that he has really nailed someone. His blog is really kind of an inside joke around here among the lawyers and staff. Sometimes the younger associates will read it before they go to lunch with him. Then they bring up the topic he wrote about because they like when he leans back in his chair and says ‘as I said in my blog this morning.’ He is not exactly H.L. Mencken.”



Blog expert and ethicist Myron Fitzwater had never heard of Porter’s “Mills of the Gods”. At the Onion’s request, he reviewed several blogs and pronounced it a “typical pedantic effort by a guy who is frustrated in his job.” Fitzwater went on to say, “there are literally a million blogs just like his, he ought to call it “Run of the Mill of the Gods”. Of course no one notice that he missed a day. The average blog, worldwide, has a readership of 1.73 hits per day, and this one would get nowhere near the average number of hits. It’s the usual whiney stuff about politics, with the occasional light hearted , overly sentimental tale  about his childhood and his  family. He sometime does some caustic and  pieces about guns. Look, the Second Amendment has been around for 200 years Porter, get over it.”


The Onion was a bit surprised to learn that Porter’s senior partner, William Allensworth had not only never heard of Porter’s blog, he had never heard of blogs at all. Within days, however, Allensworth had turned out several credible efforts of his own, all of them dealing with the coming crash of the world economy and its effects on various retirement scenarios he has under consideration. As Fitzwater explained, “that’s about the only good thing about most of these blogs, a trained psychiatrist can use it to diagnose Narcissitic Disorder. It is much more reliable than the DSM-II test.”




Blogger Paul D. Frazier said...

A quintessential example of what a blog should be.

9:50 PM  

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