Monday, July 14, 2008

U.S. Government agrees to back everything

Reacting to the shot in the arm given the U.S New York Stock Exchange by the government’s pledge to save Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, President Bush and Secretary of the Treasury Paulson announced today that they would be submitting legislation to Congress “immediately, and certainly before the Dow opens tomorrow” that would require the Federal Government to guarantee the economic viability of every company in the United States. “Fundamentally” the President said, “every business in the country is in great shape, this was just done to shore up confidence that the government stands behind its businesses and to prop up the stock exchange prior to November’s election.” Secretary Paulson called the move a “no brainer”. “Look” whined the Secretary, “How can we prop up an investment bank like Bear Sterns and not agree to guarantee Frank & Angies Pizza Parlor ? Legally one business is as important as the other. Luigi  “Frank “Salvatore, proprietor of Frank & Angies said that while his business is profitable, “it will help  me sleep better at night knowing that no matter how bad our food is, or how bad we screw up, Frank & Angies will still be here to serve the public.”


The move proved to be truly bipartisan until Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi indicated that she would be introducing an amendment to the bill requiring the United States to guarantee the solvency  all businesses in Canada and Mexico. “What is the sense in having something like NAFTA if we can  be positive that only our businesses will always be solvent ? We can’t foist that risk on American companies.” Several Republicans  have objected to the amendment and President Bush has said he will veto any legislation which in his words, “make it more likely that undocumented aliens can sneak into our country.”


Wall Street seemed a bit cautious regarding the move. One analyst said that “Guaranteeing everything at once like this is a risky move, up until now the government has dribbled out the guarantees a little bit at a time whenever the market needed stimulus. Where do we turn to if the market starts to fall again and there are no businesses to guarantee ?” Sources at the Treasury Department stated on condition of anonymity that contingency plans for guarantying the solvency of every citizen in the United States are even now being drawn up, should the markets need another boost>


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