If the real thing don’t do the trick
You better make up something quick
You gonna burn, burn, burn it to the wick
Ohooooooooh, barracuda. “Barracuda”, as sung by Fergie, “Shrek the Third Soundtrack”
Former beauty Queen and ex-mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, population, 6,000, Sarah “Barracuda” Palin was tapped by Senator John McCain yesterday to be his running mate . The announcement disappointed small town mayors from coast to coast, all of whom felt that they had served their towns with more distinction. Mayor John Sprauge of Hawley –Noodle , Texas spoke for most of the disappointed office seekers when he said, “ My town has is 50% larger than Wasilla, I could govern Wasilla and still have time to do my shift at the refinery, make my kid’s lunch and make every date of my wife’s monthly book club. I know dozens of other mayors who could do the same. The fact that she has been Governor of Alaska for the last year and a half is irrelevant, she is nothing but a pretty face and a good shot.”
Sources close to the McCain campaign denied that the surprise anointment of the “Pistol Packin’ Mama” had anything to do with desperation. “It was a matter of pure process of elimination. McCain said to find him a former beauty Queen who was a lifetime member of the N.R.A. , and an evangelical who we could actually prove that she turned down an opportunity to have an abortion. Who would have thought that the only person who met all three criteria was the Republican Governor of Alaska ? It was just a bonus when we found out the she is ready and willing to drill in the Alaskan Wildlife Preserve. She is right out of central casting.”
While admitting that 19 months as the Governor of a state with a population less than Austin, Texas was not a lot of experience, Republican strategists note that her two terms as Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska turned that former sleepy Anchorage bedroom community into a thriving economic engine that has left its so called “twin city” of Palmer in the dust.”When the “Barracuda” took office” said one Wasillian, we were still demoralized from the election loss in ’96 which would have moved the state capitol here, getting a cute sportscaster with a husband who is the best damn snowmobiler in the” last frontier” was the key to our comeback, the town took off and never looked back. We are getting a Wendy’s here next month.”
Nicknamed “the Barracuda” because of her defensive prowess on the basketball court, Palin is best known in Alaska for firing the head of the Alaska Department of Public Safety who had refused to fire her brother in law from the state trooper’s office. Alaskan’s were disappointed in the action because it was felt that Palin’s prowess with an AK-47 would have provided a more appropriate way to deal with that scum who tried to taser his 11 year old step son,threatened to kill the Governor's father as well as shot a moose out of season. All Republicans, Democrats and the author of this missive agree.
Palin’s husband, a handsome oilfield worker, sometimes commercial fisherman, is known around Alaska simply as “First Dude”. He was initially reported to be 25% Eskimo until the national media decided at about noon yesterday that “Eskimo” was a pejorative and racist term. He is now being referred to as 25% Yu’Pik, a native American Tribe in Alaska which supports itself with an all sports book casino, hence its unusual name. Both the Governor and her husband are said to be “crazy for the action” according to a Yu’Pik bookie.
The unusual strategy of picking Palin was said to have been initiated by former Bush henchman Carl Rove who used it when managing his first political election, the race for President of the 8th grade at his old middle school. “It is a tried and true method in public school elections, most people will just vote for the cutest candidate because they have got better things to do in life than research and learn campaign issues. We are also going to have her propose a series of “National Gym Dances” and put a lot of glued on sparkles on all the campaign posters we are making for her.” Rove also announced that Palin was pulling out of the proposed debate with Democratic Veep choice Joe Biden. Said Palin, “he’s like gross, old with that silly hair comb over, I’d be embarrassed to be a Democrat with him running.” To replace the debate, Palin’s handlers have advocated a 1,500 mile dog sled race.