Market shuts Doors for Good as Dow falls to zero
The New York Stock Exchange, which began in 1792, closed its doors for the final time this afternoon as the DJIA finally hit Zero (0). The action of the NYSE follows the closings last week of the American Stock Exchange and the NASDAQ after the Federal Reserve Announced that there was not enough money in the Treasury, or even enough paper in the country, to print the dollars that were needed to recapitalize every publically traded company in the United States.
Old Traders lingered on the floor one last time, shedding tears and watching the big board flash 00000. A rally, early in the afternoon, which had taken the Dow Jones Average up to a two month high of 6 and given some hope that the market might yet open again tomorrow, quickly dissipated when the rumor spread that Warren Buffet was seen walking down Wall Street wearing only a barrel ,handing out a dime to a reclining and drunk derelict who bore an “uncanny resemblance “ to the long missing Bill Gates.
One veteran trader said “It was nice while it lasted, when you think about it, 216 years is a long time for a scam to survive, even that old chestnut about getting money out of a bank for rich Nigerians is not as old as the stock market, yep, we suckered ‘em in for a long time.” When asked where he would now seek employment the trader responded, “Grifting is grifting, whether I go back to selling phony insurance policies or Florida swamps to retirees (if there are any left) it’s all the same to me. I’ll get by, there’s still one born every minute.”
Party Chairman and Supreme Leader Paulson announced plans to preserve the Stock Exchange Building so that future generations could see for themselves the last bastion of capitalism before America converted to an all barter economy. “ I know that it will be hard for people to believe that you used to use paper to buy goods instead of having to trade something of value or do some hard work to acquire it. Imagine what they will think when we tell them what went on in this place.” Paulson was quoted as saying.
The final company to hit the zero mark was former energy giant Exxon. Exxon had been hanging on by its fingernails, selling the barrels that oil used to be stored in when oil had some value, prior to the shutdown of all automobile manufacturing in the world. Exxon announced that it too would be shutting down as soon as it figured out a way to fund its CEO’s golden parachute.
Former Senator John McCain could only shake his head as the final bell rang the Exchange off forever. “I simply don’t understand how this could be happening when the American Economy is so fundamentally sound.”