Thursday, November 06, 2008

Obama Requests Recount

President Elect Obama stunned the nation this evening by requesting a recount in certain states  in Tuesday’s national election. Emerging from an all day meeting with Secretary of Treasury Paulson, which had been billed as “a no holds barred candid and honest look at the state and future of the American economy”, Obama literally ran to a bank of microphones and asked for a recount in the states of Florida, Ohio, Iowa, Virginia, Minnesota and Wisconsin. He also announced that he  has conceded in the two states where vote counting was still ongoing, North Carolina and Missouri.

 

Several reporters asked Obama  why he wanted recounts in states he had won. Obama replied, “ I just have not felt right about some of the results, take Virginia, I got more votes in some of those counties than I got hate mail from them. How can that be ? You are telling me that overnight all of those crackers decided to switch their votes to a black, Muslim, socialist. Oops, I should not have said that, oh well, the cats out of the bag now.” When asked how a recount in Ohio could overcome his six figure lead, Obama replied. “ I’m not saying that there was a miscount, I think that there could have been  some simple addition mistakes made by the tabulators. It’s like with my daughter Sasha, she is a whiz at arithmetic, but the other day I was checking her homework and she had forgotten to carry a two over to the “tens” column. It is that kind of careless mistake that I am worried about. I remember the first time I took the LSAT, I colored in the bubble for the answer to number six in the question seven column. That made every one of the rest of my answers wrong on the sheet, even though I knew the right answer. These elections are a lot like the instant replay rule in the NFL, people don’t care how long it takes, or really which side prevailed, they just want us to get it right ! That’s all this is about.”

 

Obama repeatedly denied that his daylong meeting with Paulson had troubled him and defended his wife’s mid day flight to Chicago to “talk to their stock broker and withdraw all their savings from their bank. “ I just started thinking during my meeting with the Secretary that I should not be in the stock market, there are too many conflicts of interest now that I am President. As far as the bank withdrawal is concerned, we are moving to Washington and need to establish a banking relationship here, I guess we could have wire transferred the money rather than have Michelle carry it all back in her purse, but we may need to write some checks while we are in D.C. before a transfer can be done. I told Michelle to go ahead and go back to Chicago today to wrap that all up and be sure to bring the cash to D.C.”.

 

At the impromptu press conference, Secretary Paulson announced that he had turned down the President-Elects’ request that he “stay on for a few months”. “I hate to turn down our incoming President” Paulson said, “but I have some elective day surgery that I have been putting off, there is a noncancerous mole on my back that irritates me when I sit in a chair. My dermatologist has been after me to get it removed.” Paulson is one of eleven people that have turned down the position of Treasury Secretary in the Obama administration. “Some jobs are just tough to fill”, Obama conceded. Speculation for the position is now centering on Obama’s High School economics teacher, a retiree in Hawaii known only as “Mr. Nelson”.

 

When asked about the recount request, President Bush, who was playing in a three day  handball tournament at the White House gym, told reporters, “That’s news to me, last I heard from the guy was when he called me at lunch time during his meeting with Paulson, he asked if I could remain as President through the end of the school year while he got his daughters settled in up here and got unpacked. I told him that I’d like to help but I have already promised a bunch of old drinking buddies of mine from Midland that I would do a road trip with them in January. My dad has not let me see these guys since before I was Governor of Texas and I want to show them New Orleans and how well it has come back since Katrina.” Bush winked. “I told him that he might want to call Cheney, he likes it around here.”

 

The President-Elect meets with Defense Secretary Gates today in what is being billed as a “no holds barred candid and honest look at the American military position in Iraq and Afghanistan”. Obama has announced a probable press conference after that meeting.

2 Comments:

Blogger Rayda said...

Are you taking a job with the onion now?

3:04 PM  
Blogger Jannie said...

Jon Stewart's writers came up with this, right??

This is freaking funny, elective day surgery. 3-day handball tourney, ha, ha, ha,

Laffing out loud here in SW Austin.

11:17 AM  

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