Area Man to Complete Breaking 2009 New Year's Resolutions by Today
Sitting in the bar in the Austin Club, a place he had resolved not to enter , and sipping on an expensive scotch which he had resolved not to drink in the coming new year, small time lawyer and little known blogger, Wade Porter, announced to a couple of friends and three or four fellow bar patrons that he was almost done in breaking all of his 2009 New Year’s resolutions. ‘It’s great to enter the new year with the pressure of keeping those damned resolutions already off my back.” Said Porter. The slightly inebriated blogger went on to tell his friends how he had come to the conclusion to break his resolutions early. “I got into a spat with my daughter last night and realized that I had not been listening to her with “love”. Listening with Love referred to a recent posting of Porter’s which had been labeled by some as “sanctimonious, even by his standards".
Porter continued to slur,"It hit me that there was no way I was going to be able to “listen with love” to everyone this year, and I started going through my other resolutions to see which ones I could keep. Let’s put it this way, after thinking about it I immediately left my shoes in the den last night when I went up to bed and then did not bother to make the bed this morning. Tonight I plan to come home, plop down on the couch and watch old Andy Griffith shows while my wife cleans up the kitchen from all the Christmas goodies she has made all day. Then, of course, I’ll forget to call my mom and not walk the dog".
Reactions to the Porter announcement were decidedly mixed. His mental health care provider, Dr. William Tullis applauded what he called “a bold move.” “Wade suffers from chronic anxiety, the pressure of keeping resolutions that he knows that he will break just add to his neurosis.” Said Tullis, employing a term no longer recognized in psychiatry but felt to be “appropriate for this particular patient.” Sadness, however, prevailed at the offices of Allensworth and Porter, where the brackets had already been filled out and the bets already placed for the annual, “When will Wade blow it” contest. ‘This was an exciting year” said one young associate, “the over/under on him throwing garbage into the recycling bin was January 16.”
Porter has never kept a resolution past the month of March, a fact that he has always attributed to a confluence of “the coming of Spring, my annual trip to Arizona and St. Patrick’s Day.” Until this year, the quickest Porter had ever broken a resolution was at six seconds past Midnight on New Year’s day when he loudly proclaimed, “Shit, 1989 is going to be one great year” ,which broke his resolution not to curse. Some friends mentioned that they will miss Porter’s creative ways to get around the resolutions without breaking them. “I remember one year,” said friend Gaston Broyles, “he resolved not to drink any alcohol. By February he was drinking wine and he told me that he understood his resolution to have been to drink no alcohol that had not been consumed by Jesus.” Other friends were relieved that they will now not be subjected to a year of Porter blogs about Abraham Lincoln as he had recently resolved to do. The general consensus is that, other than Onion parodies, Porter’s most excruciating blogs deal with religious or historical figures. Although, as one former reader stated, “Those blogs about his childhood can be pretty grating too.”
As the Scotch continued to flow on this Christmas eve, the friends could not find a way out of the argument as to whether it was possible for Porter to break his resolution “not to procrastinate” so early. With that in mind as a future blog topic, the bar was closed and all friends and readers of “Mills of the Gods” were wished a Merry Christmas.