White House Ponzi "Plan" sends markets soaring
Stock markets worldwide all reached record highs today upon the White House announcement that President Bush had pardoned Bernard Maddon of “all crimes both present and future” & agreed that the Department of Treasury would indemnify him in “any civil action”. Upon his pardon and release from custody, Maddon was immediately named to replace Secretary of Treasury Paulson and will begin to translate his successful Ponzi Scheme for providing instant ten percent returns on investments (for a good number of years) to all United States citizens. President Bush also announced an immediate end to the recent recession and urged everyone to hit the malls as it was still not too late to save the Christmas buying season for the nation’s retailers.
The Senate immediately approved Maddon’s appointment by voice vote. The only member of Congress to complain was Congressman Ron Paul (R) of Texas who stated that it made no fiscal sense to replace one Ponzi scheme for another.”At least” decried Congressman Paul,” under the government’s current Ponzi scheme it is the Chinese that are left holding the bag after the plan breaks down, now it will be our grandchildren.” Responses to Congressman Paul’s statement were universally negative, best exemplified by Harvard Economics Professor Ferd Burford who said, “What did your grandchildren ever do for you ? This is America, let them come up with their own scheme for any problems they may have fifty years from now, all of us all be dead.”
The administration had been meeting for several days discussing the Maddon appointment. Up until last week it was not felt that a Ponzi scheme (dubbed Ponzi “plan” by the administration because it was felt that the word “ scheme” has unfortunate connotations) could work on a nationwide scale. Maddon’s fifty billion dollar fleecing of investors has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that there was no economy so large that it could not benefit from Ponzism. The White House had consulted with President –elect Obama before appointing Maddon.Obama released a one sentence statement this afternoon which simply assured the American people that he too “is a Ponzian” and that Maddon will retain his job in the new administration.
In a nutshell, the Maddon plan will work like this. Instead of one filing date (April 15) for Federal Income Taxes, the nation will be divided up into twelve equal groups of about 25 million people each. Taxes by revolving groups will be paid once a month. Once the January group pays, that money will be distributed to the next citizen’s group which will then be used by the February group to pay their taxes after deducting money needed for themselves. That money will then be sent to the March group and the rotation will continue , the December group’s money going to the January tax payers and so on until the end of time (or the collapse of the scheme in about fifty years). In other words, the government will finally begin working like Corporate America ,whereby all decisions are made to benefit current taxpayers, just like companies attempt to benefit only their stockholders. Executives, especially those of the now bailed out American auto industry were universal in their approval of seeing the government finally start functioning as a business. “Charles Ponzi was one of the greatest economic minds Italy ever produced, the equal to the American economist Huey “Everyman a King” Long” trumpeted an official from Bank of America, “it is too bad that it took a crisis like this to finally put his theories into action on a national scale.”
The Ponzi Plan now replaces the Administrations much ballyhooed ,and equally criticized, “Fonzie Scheme” and its repetitive playing of the depression era song “Happy Days are here again.” It will be recalled that under that plan, Henry Winkler was to be appointed Secretary of the Treasury and a team of 1950s attired motorcycle gangs were to spread out all over America throwing bags of recently printed hundred dollar bills down Main Street in every town with a population of over 5,000.