Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Momentum Growing Within Administration to Cancel the Rest of February

Sources within the Obama White House admitted yesterday that a plan to cancel the rest of the month of February is looking increasingly likely and may happen as early as next Monday. A secret Cabinet level task force has been meeting since just after Valentine’s day to discuss the possibility of the cancelation. Said one Cabinet level official from the State Department, who said that she could only speak under an agreement of complete anonymity, “The President has looked at our report and tentatively agreed with us that, for the rest of this month, nothing good can happen in this country following yesterdays President Day sales at retail stores ..With so much bad news on the horizon for the rest of the month, and believe me, there’s a bunch of it, there seems to be little reason to continue and not go straight to March”.

 

February is a traditional gloomy month in America. People are sick of snow and overcast skies, the flu and all that comes with the end of winter. Football has ended and baseball has not begun. The only basketball games are meaningless tune ups looking toward the coming of “March Madness” and the traditional jolt to the nation’s workplace by the distribution of millions of NCAA “brackets” followed by hours and hours of no productivity while clueless employees fill them out. Key administration officials believe that any coming bad news, and again are adamant that there is plenty of it, will be better accepted by the public during a month which is synonymous with the coming of spring. Some sources admitted that March often “comes in like a lion” and that there has been some sentiment to skip the calendar all the way to March 21, the first full day of spring. This was finally dismissed because it was felt that the Nation’s landlords would ask for a bailout if they all had to skip receiving an entire month’s rent.

 

Admitting that the decision would be unusual, it was vigorously defended by those who pointed out that it was not unprecedented. “Look” said one official, “we have screwed around with daylight savings time to the point where no one really knows what time it is. Plus, in 1752, the country gained eleven full days when we switched over to the Gregorian calendar. We went right from September  2 to  September 14 that year, and the world did not fall apart. Besides, February is the shortest month of the year by two full days, we will miss it less than any other.”

 

The next step will probably to be consultation with the nation’s business leaders, the few who are left, to try to figure out how to deal with wages and prebooked cruises for the month. These are felt to be minor irritants to the plan, as one official said “We can always print more money.” The only real potential problem involves the states of Indiana and Arizona who have never gone onto to daylight savings time. Governors of both states have said that they are going to go ahead with the rest of February no matter what the cost. “We won’t give the government a free hour every year, why should we give them a week ?” seemed to be the attitude of most Hoosiers, almost all of whom have plenty of time to debate the subject since they are all out of work. “Do you think this means that we won’t get our full unemployment benefits ?” asked one worried Arizonan. These details are still being worked out.

 

Polling shows that Americans would support the plan, by a margin of 72% to 24% with 4% “ready to just give up all altogether”. Many, when polled, indicated a willingness to skip the entire rest of the year and 2010 also if it meant a quicker end to the recession.”I keep hearing that things will get better after the third quarter of this year. I never understood why we could not go ahead and skip to that quarter so that we could be better off immediately.” Said one citizen who has been closely following the debate. Out of an abundance of caution, the planned celebrations for the 275th anniversary of George Washington’s birth have been moved up from the 22nd of the month to 6:30 p.m. tonight and will preempt scheduled P.B.S. programming. The President has scheduled an address to the nation from the Oval Office following those festivities.

1 Comments:

Blogger Jannie Funster said...

If you and Chevy Chase had both tried out for SNL on the same day - you would've ousted his buttocks from the running.

Austin - winter? I guess what passes for winter here is possibly depressing to some but I love it for the cedar fever alone, wonderful little ailment that.

10:08 AM  

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