The Oscar Goes To.....
I did not watch the Academy Award presentation last night, which means that I heard all of it from the next room and switched to it now and then. The Oscar night is the second most overhyped event in America each year, right after the Super Bowl. Except every four years when it slips behind the Iowa Caucuses into third place. I had already correctly predicted the winner of each major category last night, so I saw no reason to watch it. I was able to predict the winners because I have been told for weeks who the winners would be. Except in one case. Some people thought that Sean Penn was going to lose out to Mickey Rourke as “the Wrestler”. Anyone who knows how the Academy votes knew that a poignant portrayal of a gay City Councilman was going to triumph over a guy who had spit on Hollywood several years ago. Hollywood does not forget.
Like the Super Bowl, the Oscars now have a long pre-game show called “The Red Carpet”. I did see some of that. Last night’s Red Carpet event was particularly satisfying as dozens of millionaires paraded around in dresses worth tens of thousands of dollars and jewelry worth hundreds of thousands. All of this at a time where unemployment is reaching toward double digits and the country is fighting the worst economic situation since the 30s.I did see my wife’s nemesis Angelina Jolle wearing emerald ear rings and an emerald ring which, together, were worth much more than my house. Fortunately, she and her husband Brad the Pitts, the pretty boy, barely talented dufus who played the baby who ages backwards, both lost. Chalk up another win for Jennifer Aniston.
But back to the Red Carpet. All that is wrong with America can be found on the Red Carpet and summed up in two words. Ryan Secrets. There he was, all four foot six of him, standing on a box of some sort so that he would not be towered over by the 5 foot one actors he interviewed. I have never seen this guy Secrest’s show “American Idol” because I don’t like that smarmy English guy who is on it. But I do see Secrest hanging around the “E” channel every Saturday morning while I am waiting for my favorite show, “The Soup”, to start. What a Bozo. I have never forgiven him for getting one of my heroes Kathy Griffith fired from her Red Carpet gig. Remember the year Kathy sent out her “message of hope” to Dakota Fanning who Kathy said had just entered drug rehab ? Now that is stuff that is worthwhile to watch. Not the eighth dwarf asking some overrated starlet “who” she is wearing. Just once, I wish one of those bimbos would say, “It is a dress, not a person, it is not a who, has never been a who and can never be a who.” But they don’t, they play along with it and plug the designer so that they can keep getting free clothes.
The big news last night was that woman who was in “Titanic” finally won after 102 nominations. I understand that she is really an excellent actress. She is certainly better than the guy that was in “Titanic” who used to play a little kid on “Growing Pains”, Leonardo something. I saw him interviewed one time and he said this, I swear . “I made a movie which happened to be called “titanic and which happened to gross more than any movie in history.” Modesty, thy name is Leonardo.
I was glad that Slumdog won, I hope they gave a special Oscar to that poor kid who (spoiler alert) had his eyes gouged out with a spoon. I was also happy that Penelope Cruz won. She was wonderful in her movie. Think about it, you win an award for a comic portrayal you made in movie where you spoke a language which is not your own. That’s a pretty good achievement. I could never learn Spanish in a decade of trying.. I could never win an award which required me to speak it. Then they gave an Oscar to that dead guy who was in “Batman, the Millionth Remake” which was O.K. with me. It’s not like he is going to be up for anything next year.
Now that Time-Warner has cancelled the T.V. Guide Channel, I won’t get to see Joan Rivers make fun of everyone’s dress for the next two weeks while I am trying to find out what is on at 8:00 p.m.. I am going to miss that. I guess that’s the end of the award shows for awhile and American can concentrate on American Idol and Dancing With the Stars and America’s Next Tope Model for the next few months. Now that is television worth watching ! As Ernie Kovacs said, “Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.” See you at the movies !