Friday, March 27, 2009

Bloggist All A Twitter

Hapless local bloggist Wade Porter announced today that he has fears that he is the last person in America not to know what Twitter is. Porter, who is indeed described by friends as “totally without hap” only learned of Twitter from a magazine article he read the other day describing Brittney Spears attempts to hire a “Ghost Twitter”. “I don’t even know what it is” Porter said disgustedly, “and Brittney is already hiring people to do it for her.”


Friends have now explained Twitter to Porter as a “sort of blog whereby you can let people know what you are doing in the” real time”.  “As opposed to what ?” he replied, “the fake time ? why don’t people just say “now, “when did all of this ‘real time’ shit start ? So first you kept a diary so that you could report what you did yesterday. Then you moved up to a blog, so that you could report what you did that morning. Now you go on a Twitter so that you can report what you are doing right now ? How can you be doing something right now if you are reporting what you just did ? Twitter is always one step behind you, unless you tell people that you are going to do something in the future, then, it is always a step in front of you. Twitter is a phony, you can accomplish the same thing by test messaging, or better, pick up the damn phone and talk to someone. Then you can tell them exactly what you are doing at the very moment that you are doing it.”


Actually, report’s Porter’s daughter, Porter does not know how to text message and, according to her, could never learn because he does not have the dexterity to tap the tiny keys on a smart phone. “He needs one of those “Doodle Bug” phones for the elderly made into a smart phone” said Stacey. “Then he could have a giant keyboard that he could carry around to text, assuming that we could ever get him to understand the concept.”


“The mystery to me” said Porter, “is why people want to report what they are doing all the time. The time you save in communication is lost because of the time you spend doing everything else….I’m getting ready to take a bite of meat loaf so I tell you. I take a bite and then have to put down my fork so that I can tell you I’m chewing. It would take hours to eat a meal. How does the damn thing work in the shower ?”


Porter’s struggles with Twitter replicate his ongoing struggles with Microsoft’s Word program. Porter’s secretary reports, “He has never been able  to figure out how to get into Word. All he knows how to do is e-mail. He thinks that when he e-mails me some letter he has just finished, that he is sending me a Word document. I just convert it to Word so we can carry on his fantasy of being computer literate. There’s no sense embarrassing him. But there’s no damn way I am going to clean up and send  his Twitter messages, so he better not even be thinking of joining that group.”


All of Porter’s friend believe that the whole Twitter crisis will quickly blow over, once Porter learns that he won’t be able to find Twitter. “I saw him looking for a “Twitter” button on his keyboard the other day” laughed one of his partners. “The guy has not got a clue. He will go back to those Onion Parody Blogs faster than you can Twitter  ‘Brittney has a new CD out’.”


Blogger Stacey said...

oh dad...the old people phone is called a JitterBug, not a Doodle Bug. Way to misquote!

12:58 PM  
Blogger Jannie Funster said...

I'm recently on it but haven't a clue really how to use it.

It seems to me all about how many followers you can get or something like that.

Just makes me cringe or what's next.

9:19 PM  

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