Fellow Employees Scoff at Area Man's Vow To give Up Mexican Food
Attorneys and employees at the local firm of Allensworth & Porter fell into hysterics today upon receiving an e-mail from Wade Porter that he had once again given up eating Mexican Food. Porter has an annual physical coming up in June to which he plans to actually go to for the first time in three years. Feeling the necessity of “losing about 70 pounds” over the next eight weeks, Porter announced that giving up Mexican food was the first step.
This marks the 11th time in 7 years that Porter has sworn off of Tex-Mex, all of the efforts have proven unsuccessful. While some of those efforts were induced by the Lenten season, most of them were for weight control purposes. The previously mentioned renunciations count only the times when Porter “totally “gave up Mexican food. On several other occasions he had attempted to ration his Mexican Food intake. He did so once by announcing that he was now only eating “Mexican Food Lite”, an undefined term that involved ordering mostly taco salads served in a giant fried flour tortilla bowl which Porter would consume in its entirety following eating the salad . The salad was made up of beef, cheese, guacamole, beans and a little lettuce for coloring... Another time he switched to his “All vegetarian Mexican Food” diet in which he traded his usual order of the “number 2 special” at El Azteca for the “number 9 vegetarian”. This radical departure from years of ordering the same meal involved having to switch from a Beef Enchilada to a Cheese Enchilada and substituting a Bean Taco for a Beef Taco. The refried beans (fried in lard), rice,guacamole,chips, hot sauce and tortillas had already been vegetarian. While saving himself no calories in the switch over, Porter felt better about himself when he would say to anyone accompanying him to El Azteca, “I go Vegetarian” .He would then proceed to down six baskets of chips and queso before his lunch arrived.
Local Mexican Restaurants proved to be mixed in their feelings about Porter’s announcement. Owners of the places are fond of Porter because he forces numerous young associates to go to lunch with him. Juan, owner of “Juan in a Million” ,admits that many people Porter introduces to his restaurant come back, although seldom with him. “He and I have a little routine worked out” laughed the affable Juan. “He comes in and says, that he is bringing me six new customers and says he deserves a reward. I shout at his waiter ‘free chips and hot sauce for that table’. He really gets a kick out of that.” Employees of the restaurants are less enthusiastic about Porter. “The guy drinks ice tea like a camel just back from a 40 day trip across the desert.” complained Guillermo Rico, Head Bus Boy at Dario’s.. “You have to spend all of your time either filling up his tea glass or the salsa bowl. You know how you are supposed to dip chips into salsa ? Porter uses the corn chips as ladles to get the sauce to his mouth, like it was soup.” This unorthodox manner of consuming salsa has resulted in each shirt Porter owns appearing to have numerous blood spots scattered over them in a shot gun pellet like pattern.
Betting has already started on how long Porter will hold out and the restaurant where he will go when he gives up. Most often that restaurant is El Gallo because he feels like that is his private Mexican place. He goes there when he wants to be alone and very seldom takes his friends. “One time during a period he had sworn off..” said partner Matt Ryan, “we all walked into El Gallo and there was Porter, by himself, eating chips, we came over to the table and he said that he’d ordered a Hamburger. Five minutes later the non- English speaking server comes out with the first half of a Number 2 Monterrey Special (a taco and guacamole salad). Porter starts yelling at the poor server, who was not even his waiter, about bringing him the wrong order. The owner had to come over and calm him down. Eventually he decided to ’go ahead and eat it, just to save time’, he fell off the wagon after that.”
Porter’s e-mail indicated that he was going to take up cigarette smoking as a way to stay away from Mexican food. The e-mail stated, “Mexican Food kills you just as fast as tobacco, and at least with cigarettes you can stay thin.”