Manny to Miss 50 Games, But Have Quintuplets
Manny Ramirez, star outfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers had his sudden weight gain and morning nausea explained today at a news conference. For some period of time, the All Star has been taking a female fertility drug in an attempt to induce pregnancy . “I’m 36 years old and my biological clock is ticking.” said a distraught Ramirez, “ I did what I felt that I had to do in order to experience the joys of motherhood, having quints is going to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”
Ramirez admitted to being “caught by surprise” when he learned that the fertility drug he took is a banned substance under the rules of Organized Ball blaming his gynecologist for not cross checking the prescription with baseball’s rules. Ramirez gynecologist, who works out of a panel truck in East L.A., was not immediately available for comment. Ramirez was emphatic that if he had known that the substance was banned he would have gone “in vitro in a minute.” “What kind of a business makes it illegal for an employee to get pregnant ? They say that I cannot have five children, play the outfield and hit forty homeruns. This is like the dark ages !” Manny sobbed, comforted by the future Godfather of his quints, Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda, cradling the crying Manny in his arms, called the fifty day suspension given to Ramirez the “height of hypocrisy and a black eye for the sport.””We are going back to the old days in baseball where you had to have your baby in secret, maybe get sent down to the minors for a few months and do it quietly. Ever seen any old newsreels of Babe Ruth ? Notice how fat he was ? He had four kids during his career and still was the greatest player of all time. The newspapers knew about it, but considered it too personal to report to the public. Those days are gone “
Dodger management was less sympathetic, although clearly embarrassed by their own failures. Before Manny had signed a $26 million contract in March, he was required to take a complete physical. For reasons now yet known, the simple pregnancy test, usually given to Major Leaguers, was omitted by the team doctor. Only the random drug test for banned substances administered by the league kept Manny from keeping the pregnancy secret for awhile longer, although several of the Dodgers were said to be aware of the situation. Dodger second baseman Orlando Hudson is reported to have accompanied Manny to his first ultrasound where it was revealed that Manny would be the mother of five. Manager Joe Torre is reported to have become enraged earlier when he found out that the entire Dodger bullpen staff had thrown Manny a surprise shower on a road trip to Cincinnati.
Ramirez is going to use his fifty day suspension to prepare for motherhood and, according to him “do some nesting.”. He says that following the birth he will invoke the maternity leave clause which the union has now made standard in each player’s contract. This will keep him from returning to the Dodgers this season. He is currently negotiating for a reality show in which he and the quints will be followed around next season. The show is expected to show the viewing public how tough it is to care for five infants in a clubhouse environment, as well as provide warm hearted humor so associated with child rearing. The new show, “Bases Loaded”, will premiere in February next year as a mid season replacement on CBS, just in time for Spring Training.