Friday, May 01, 2009

Pig Anti Defamation Group Protests Name of Virus

Many  of the nation’s better known pigs met with the press in Los Angeles today to protest the use of the term “Swine Flu” for the current pandemic . Pointing out that not one pig has yet been shown to have been infected by the virus, pig advocate and well know cartoon star Porky Pig stuttered. “ a be and a be and a be this is outragouth,uh, outrageouth, uh, unfair !” Porky went on to accuse “Publicaaah, Publicaaaah, Publicaaaah….P.R firms “ in the employ of Smithfield Farms, the Virginia pork conglomerate, of masterminding the deception to draw attention from what he referred to as that company’s “death camp” for pigs outside of La Gloria, Mexico.


The allegation by the porcine group, distributed to journalists on muddy and disgusting leaflets, states that Smithfield Farms, in an effort to “save their bacon” has used the traditional prejudice most humans have for pigs to turn  a story about a “criminally run feedlot” into a story about influenza. The leaflets  claims that Mexican doctors, paid by Smithfield, have falsified records claiming that everyone who has died, or even had a cold, in Mexico over the last three weeks was suffering from an influenza that started in  La Gloria. The  P.R.  consortium labeled the disease  ‘Swine Flu” before the World Health  Organization had a chance to investigate. Once a flu was identified, it was named “2009 H1N1 Influenza” but, by then it was too late to change the brand which had been imprinted into the public mind. The swine moniker was liberally sown by Smithfield among news agencies ,along with prepackaged stories regarding the history of pigs as “hosts” of various  historic influenzas, even linking the 1918 Spanish Flu which killed 45 million people worldwide to an Iowan pig farm.


“We are easy targets” said Practical Pig, wearing his traditional overalls and painter hat from the 1933 Walt Disney Classic, The Three Little Pigs. “People always use our names in a derogatory sense, ‘don’t make a pig of yourself , that woman is a pig, would you rather be a pig ?’. No one remembers that we do good things too.” Practical acknowledged that “some pigs”, just like “some humans” are “shiftless and frivolous”, pointing out a window at his brothers who were avoiding work at the conference by playing a fiddle and dancing a merry jig on the lawn. Practical went onto say, “But for every little pig that goes ‘wee, wee, wee, all the way home’, there is a pig like me who stood up for this country and fought off the Big Bad Wolf During the Depression.” Practical, who made enormous sums of money in the 1930s building wind resistant  brick houses during the wolf crisis. pointed out that all flu is “really aviary in origin ” and that pigs suffer as much as humans from the diease,possibly more since the very rumor of an epidemic results in the slaughter of entire swine herds.


“We’ve got a long way to go” said one unidentified little piggy, unaccountably  munching on a roast beef sandwich, “Two major monotheistic religions consider us unclean, although at least they don’t eat us, so we got that going for us. But go to breakfast sometime with a human, they order bacon and eggs right in front of you and then tell off color jokes about how they hope they are not eating one of your relatives. Up until now, all we have done is grin and bear it. I think those days are over..”


The call for porcine respect was best exemplified by Porky Pigs stirring statement at the end of the conference. WAWAWAWinnnston Churchill said that a pig was the only animal that could look a human in the eye with equal dignity. Well, I’ll take the word of Sir  WAWAWAWinnnston Churchill over some Agribusiness P.R. HoHoHowhore.. We have come too far as a spspspspseeecies to go back to living in the mud and eating slop,  no matter how much most of us enjoy that kind of life. The only reason that I did not end up with  my innards ground and stuffed into casing so that Earl Campbell and Jimmy Dean could make a living, is because of my endearing speech impediment and the fact that Jack Warner thought that I had classic comic timeing.BBBBBBut the day is coming when  every pig will be treated as well as me or  as Practical or Babe or Gub-Gub or Arnold “, pointing at just a few of the glittering array of stars flanking him.”From now on our motto is that no matter how much dirt is on our face or how disgraceful our shoes are, YES ! we’d rather be  pigs ! Screw You BaabbabBAAABing Crosby. Porky then  snorted and refused to take questions, finally ended the conference with his signature, “That’s all folks !”


Blogger Paul D. Frazier said...

Why do the folks in Iowa cover their football fields in Astroturf? To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

One of my Houston Cyberhomeys suggested that instead of the
"H1N1" (Hiney) tag, the official tag for the virus be "P1G1."

Stay healthy.

10:19 AM  

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