Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Friends Worry as Local Blogger Celebrates Obesity Rating

A smiling Wade Porter was announcing to friends this week that his recently instituted diet and exercise program had carried him well below the “morbid obesity” category and into the more comforting “obesity” level. “This proves the value of my diet and exercise plan” crowed the still portly Porter as he displayed a belt which he claimed that only two weeks ago had required the use of an additional hole in order to tighten. Many of Porter’s friends were concerned that he might be making too much of the achievement. At the top of the worry list is Porter’s Doctor, Austin Internal Medicine specialist Hans Haydon.


“Wade takes these categories too seriously.” said Haydon, who had been promised that he would not be named as a source in this story . “He understands  that the term “Morbid Obesity” is a medical term much like “terminal illness”, but  he thinks “obesity” is merely an esthetic term.  I tried to tell him that he still has to make it through the plain obesity category before he can even get to the “overweight” category. He is miles from a normal weight for someone of his height, but he focuses on the word “morbid” thinking that he is out of medical danger. “


Porter, interviewed at his favorite Mexican restaurant, Juan in a Million, said between bites of cheese enchiladas, “It was really my family that got me through this. It was two weeks of pure hell, but their encouragement made it all worthwhile.” I look at myself in the mirror now and say. “You are not “morbidly” obese. The waiter at the barbeque place last night was very supportive and insisted on bringing out extra sauce for the celebration dinner, I feel like I’m walking on air.” Continually referring to himself as a “recovering” morbidly obese person, Porter said in a very serious tone. “I know that you are never out of the woods, it is no different than alcoholism”, here he ordered more tortillas from the grinning Juan. “The body mass index can never be very far from your mind. You are always only a binge away from morbidity.”


To the irritation of many, Porter announced that his blog, “Mills of the Gods “would be featuring a series of articles tentatively titled “How I beat Morbid Obesity” which according to Porter would, “chronicle my every step at the Barton Creek Mall which helped me achieve my goal.” He will also be featuring some of his favorite low calorie recipes which he claims that anyone can adapt to. “It turns out that if you change white bread to whole wheat bread and substitute mustard for mayo on a turkey sandwich you are more than half way home. I know it sounds disgusting, but you get used to the taste fairly quickly and it least it prevents you from ever wanting two sandwiches. I am going to try this change with pastrami and provolone for my next dietary phase and perhaps even substitute mustard for ketchup on my cheese fries.” Porter promised (or warned, depending upon your view point) that he would  report back "in exquisite detail" on what he calls his “drive through mere obesity”in his blog reports. " I just want every morbidly obese person out there to know that with hard work and support they can make it to mere obesity.This blog can be their guide and their solace." said Porter, wiping a tear from his eye and frijoles from his mouth.




Blogger Jannie Funster said...


What's up, oh better there with the caps.

Yes, it is those little things that do add up. But God,I love to eat too!! I'm 3'3" and 125 lbs. used to be 115, but am happier now.

Exercise! Yoga goes I now for a whole 2 minutes. Maybe 3!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Jannie Funster said...

Make that 5'3" Just gained two feet in the last minute. Miracle Gro!

1:11 PM  

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