Saturday, September 05, 2009

Local Man Celebrates Return to Dillard's Men's Department

Austin blogger Wade Porter strolled into the Dillard’s Men’s Department at the Barton Creek Mall this morning, announcing to anyone  who would listen that “they have seen the last of me in the ‘ Big and Tall ‘ Department ! “

Porter, who has dropped enough sizes on his present diet to have to now shop where normal sized men shop, was met with a decidedly mixed greeting from Dillard’s Men’s Wear sales personnel, many of whom had caught Porter’s act before.


“This is not the first time that Porter has “returned” to the Men’s Department. “said department manager Hubert Stone. ” “ He is one of the type of customers that we refer to as ‘yo-yos’ because their weight goes up and down , at times straddling the sizes of pants where Men’s Wear merges into “Big and Tall” wear. Actually, Porter is beyond yo-yo status. We call his kind ‘Super Balls’ because they go down in weight, but then bounce back so high that we don’t see them again for years and years.”


Some of the newer sales personnel appeared dubious that Porter could fit into anything on the rack in “Mens”. He was directed over to the “relaxed fit” area and urged to try on a pair of “expanding” pants. While being taken to the dressing room, Porter waxed philosophical about his weight loss. “It’s not really a diet” he claimed, waving off the very idea, “it’s a life style change ! “ One salesman noted that this was the third such “lifestyle change” he had seen Porter go through and wondered aloud just how many life style changes a person can get away with in one lifetime.


“He will come out in a minute to have us look at his pants” muttered Chester Walton, department assistant manager. “ Then he will go into an elaborate explanation of his dieting regimen. It will be a complicated and confusing recipe of exercise and nutrition, and you know what ? In the end it will be a matter of him burning off more calories a day than he takes in. Some big secret.” Walton continued, under his breath, “then he will buy only one lousy pair of pants because he will tell us that he has no idea how much weight he will lose, so he can’t afford to buy a lot of clothes that will not fit him in a couple of weeks. I’m tempted to tell him that he will always be able to wear them again when he starts regaining the weight. “ At this point, several of the salesmen began speculating as to whether this meant that  Porter had to wear the same pair of pants every day. “You think the other pants just fall off of him ? “ asked Sonny Craig, who is moonlighting at Dillard’s during the current recession, having been furloughed from his job at Vinson & Elkins law firm and starting up his own practice in a trailer in his back yard. The comment brought a general uproar from a sales staff that had not sold three items between them during the first four hours the store had been open.


Porter emerged from the dressing room and beckoned a couple of salesman over to look at the fit of the pants. Noting that he had no discernable butt, a couple of salesmen said that the fit “did not make a whole hell of a lot of difference anyway. It’s not like anyone gives him a second look.” Following the purchase, Porter left the men’s Department, taking the long way out  of the store so that he could hold his new pants up over his head in triumph  as he passed the “Big and Tall” department. “Big deal, he’s still fat” shrugged Lester Whitehall, longtime “Big and Tall” salesman. “He will be back”, said  department manager J.B. “Shorty” Nowatny, “they all come back.”


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