Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Tiger's Tail

The world continued to rock with the news on the Nancy Grace show last night that Tiger Wood's number of mistresses has now climbed over 1,000, less than 100 being porn stars.Grace's investigators are still looking at the allegatione from an Australian Kangaroo that she had an affair with Woods, down under, during last year's Australian Open.Pictures of the Kangaroo are already circulating over the internet.

U.S. Weekly,which still claims that less than 500 women have had confirmed affairs with Woods, attacked the Grace story this morning. " This is typical of these cable shout shows." said that funny looking English woman who for some reason always appears on T.V. as the US Weekly spokesperson, "You can't expect a slipshod outfit like the Grace show to show to have the same journalistic integrity practiced by a respected magazine such as ours." Several sources from both of these news outlets,both of which leak like sieves, state that the difference in the divergent numbers is definitional in nature."It depends on what your definition of sex is.US Weekly is more Clintonian in its approach." said an unamed receptionist at US Weekly. " Quick oral sex and cigars do not count, jeez, didn't we learn anything from that impeachment trial ?"

Several of Tiger's fellow tour members have now come forward to admit they knew of what many have called for years, the "Tiger slice". "Woods would have a big lead in a tournament, playing perfect golf, and then he would slice a ball off into the trees so that he could go look for it. It took him a long time to find those balls and he always came back with his shirt tail hanging out or his zipper down, later we'd see some woman leave the woods and sneak back into the gallery. Put two and two together."

An interesting sidelight to the scandal has been the formation of several support groups of women who have not had affairs with Woods." It's really bad for your self esteem" sobbed a woman from the Pebble Beach group,"You throw yourself at this guy and he ignores you, then you find out that he's slept with most of your friends and just about every skank in America,imagine the humiliation."

The lasting affect of the scandal, other than ruining Tiger's career will be the new use of the term "Tiger", already competing with "Cougar" as the most overused sexual term in the country. A "Tiger", as everyone knows by now ,is a married man who will screw anyone, even though he is already married to a model.It is synonymous in some ways with "sexual compulsion" and in other ways with "death wish".


Blogger Paul D. Frazier said...

God love you, you made me laugh.

And really, the almost a dozen women who have gone public are only the tip of the iceberg.

I did ask my wife what happened when she went out with Tiger Woods but she changed the subject.

4:01 PM  

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